Now that my children are fully grown, I am frequently asked by individuals who know my adult sons, "What did you do to get such Godly men?" I find it fascinating that in a world filled with so many variables, especially in the realm of human personality, we seek a cookie cutter or recipe approach to our parenting. Take a little prayer, a little discipline, a dash of kindness, stir in a firm hand, bake for 18 years and out of childhood come Godly adults, or something along those lines. Let's face it, each child is unique, each parent is unique and each family is unique, there is no one size fits all answer to raising Godly children. Even the best of parents have children go astray, just look at Adam and Eve, they had God as a parent. So with that said, let's explore parenting at another level. While there are differences, there are also similarities and some reasonable principles that should at least help parents move there kids in the right direction. One of those principles is called "guided discovery."
What is guided discovery? It is the art of getting your children to move from point A to point B by helping them think things through instead of just giving them an answer. In our family we made teaching our kids critical thinking skills one of our top priorities, followed very closing by leading them to the reasonable, logical, and rational beliefs of orthodox Christianity. Guided discovery combines thought process with practical experience.
What goes into guided discovery? At least four primary parts.
1. Create a sense of inquisitiveness. Watch life around you and bring it to your child's attention. Statements that start with "Did you notice...?" or "I wonder why...?" take a person's mind to areas of inquiry that it would not have gone on its own.
2. Foster a conscience of consequences. This is done by making comments to your kids such as, "Look at what happened because..." or "What do you think would happen if...?"
3. Challenge the assumed. An example: We frequently are told, "Perception is reality." Is that true? If it were true there would be no such thing as a mis-perception. How many parents have been confronted by a child saying, "That's not fair!" Really? Who or what determines if something is fair? Challenge your kid's assumptions. It's OK to say, "That's interesting, does that mean...?" or "Let's think about this. What is ...?"
4. See God in the details of life and point it out to your kids. I like to work with wood. Wood projects are a wonderful example to kids of the Gospel story. I take a piece of dead tree (wood), cut it, shape it, glue it, nail it, etc., and in the end the wood comes to life again with a purpose and meaning to it. A tree is sacrificed but out of that sacrifice comes life! Isn't that the Christian Gospel? Christ comes and sacrifices himself so the Holy Spirit can be imparted into our dead spirits and we become alive with meaning and purpose to our new life. That wood project then is a visual reminder to the child of the work of God in our lives. It becomes even more meaningful if the child helps you with the project. This is guided discovery at work. Thought process combined with practical experience.
Lastly, look to scripture for examples of how Jesus employed guided discovery with the apostles and disciples. He didn't always give them the answer, he made them think it through, no checking your brain at the doorway of Christianity.
Take some time and see where you can use guided discovery with your kids. Oh yes, it can work on other members of your family too.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Figuring out bullying by doing the math: > , < , =
While there are many aspects to discuss when it comes to bullying, one of the best places to start is to use a simple assessment tool, it's called "doing the math."
Whether we realize it or not, all of us walk around with a math symbol over our head and everyone we meet, whether they realize it or not, instantly reads that symbol and interacts with us accordingly. The 3 math symbols represent the assessments made and the impressions given: > (greater than), < (less than), = (equal too). When a "greater than" interacts with a "less than" bullying is typically the result. We see it between adults and we see it in the interactions of children. So how does a "less than", whether adult or child, begin to level the playing field in the hope the bully will stop?
First, address body language. When walking, stand up straight with your shoulders back and your head up. Make your steps sure and certain, don't shuffle or move along with hesitation, look like you know where you are going (even if you don't). When sitting, sit up straight and lean back in your chair giving the impression of benig relaxed and confident.
Second, make culturally appropriate eye contact. Darting eyes or lack of general eye contact implies lack of confidence or embarrassment. Let your eyes say you are confident and resolved, not angry or aggressive and not a mushy "puppy dog" look. Keep you head up at all times.
Third, use the appropriate tone of voice. Your voice should be calm and resolved and with a steady meter. Use a normal conversational tone. Keep your hands away from your mouth when speaking. Covering your mouth while speaking gives the impression you are hiding something or being unsure of yourself.
Keep in mind: A. You are how you look; B. You are how you sound; C. You are how you react. When you look like a "less than", talk like a "less than", and react like a "less than", you become a "bully magnet."
Teaching your children these simple informal communication techniques will take time, be patient. With steady reinforcement and encouragement they will get it and you will have taken the first step to preventing bullying in their lives. Employing these techniques in your own life will also take practice, but you will be amazed to see how individuals will begin to treat you as "equal too" or even "greater than" once you have mastered these approaches.
Whether we realize it or not, all of us walk around with a math symbol over our head and everyone we meet, whether they realize it or not, instantly reads that symbol and interacts with us accordingly. The 3 math symbols represent the assessments made and the impressions given: > (greater than), < (less than), = (equal too). When a "greater than" interacts with a "less than" bullying is typically the result. We see it between adults and we see it in the interactions of children. So how does a "less than", whether adult or child, begin to level the playing field in the hope the bully will stop?
First, address body language. When walking, stand up straight with your shoulders back and your head up. Make your steps sure and certain, don't shuffle or move along with hesitation, look like you know where you are going (even if you don't). When sitting, sit up straight and lean back in your chair giving the impression of benig relaxed and confident.
Second, make culturally appropriate eye contact. Darting eyes or lack of general eye contact implies lack of confidence or embarrassment. Let your eyes say you are confident and resolved, not angry or aggressive and not a mushy "puppy dog" look. Keep you head up at all times.
Third, use the appropriate tone of voice. Your voice should be calm and resolved and with a steady meter. Use a normal conversational tone. Keep your hands away from your mouth when speaking. Covering your mouth while speaking gives the impression you are hiding something or being unsure of yourself.
Keep in mind: A. You are how you look; B. You are how you sound; C. You are how you react. When you look like a "less than", talk like a "less than", and react like a "less than", you become a "bully magnet."
Teaching your children these simple informal communication techniques will take time, be patient. With steady reinforcement and encouragement they will get it and you will have taken the first step to preventing bullying in their lives. Employing these techniques in your own life will also take practice, but you will be amazed to see how individuals will begin to treat you as "equal too" or even "greater than" once you have mastered these approaches.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
The journey and the destination.
Recently, I had the opportunity to sit in on a discussion between four 20-somethings. The topic: how their parents raised them. Of greatest interest to me were the two young ladies who observed that their parents never prepared them for adulthood.
What they shared were numerous stories about how their parents cared for them, protected them, made decisions for them, and in one instance even insisted that all pay checks be turned over to the parents because the parents didn't believe the child would make good decisions on what to do with the money. One of the young ladies described her college life as "brutal" because she was never prepared to handle attention from boys. The other spoke of the trouble she got into financially because no one ever showed her how to manage money. The longer they spoke and the more they shared, the clearer it became that the parents spent all of their time focusing on the journey (childhood) and never considered that all children are destined to become adults. In other words, they completely missed the point that as parents we need to be preparing our children for their destination - adulthood.
I understand the desire to keep children from what will harm them. Of course we are called to protect our children. I understand that we want to give our children the best, but when we seek to "bubble rap" our kids, either consciously or unconsciously, the law of unintended consequences takes hold and the children are harmed.
My wife and I always believed that one of the duties God gave us as parents was to take a child who was fully and completely dependent upon us, teach this child how to be independent in the hope that as adults we would be interdependent. I am always just a bit confused by parents who don't prepare a child for adulthood. Do they think they will be around forever to live and breath for their child? Don't they know that anyone or anything who/which doesn't learn to breath on its own cannot survive? Then there are the parents who demand a child stay subservient to them in diligent obedience all of his/her live. These parents cite the commandment "Honor your father and mother." But giving honor doesn't mean as an adult I still do everything my parents want me to do. Curiously, very few of these parents are doing everything grandma and grandpa want them to do.
There is no one size fits all answer to, "How do we prepare our children for the destination of adulthood?" Parenting, no matter how young or how old our children are, requires us to set an appropriate tension in the family. It is akin to setting the tension in a trampoline. Set the tension too high and the performer hits his head on the ceiling. Set the tension to low and the performer bottoms out. Manage every aspect of the child's life and the child is strangled by micromanaging. Manage the child's journey too loosely and the lack of structure will result in an undisciplined approach to adulthood. While setting tension in the family is critical and difficult, it is not impossible.
There are four primary areas one should pay attention to in the quest of preparing a child for adulthood. These areas are represented in the acronym S.I.P.S.
S piritually
I ntellectually
P hysicallly
S ocially
Every area needs an appropriate amount of attention and remember to do it in sips. It's awfully hard to drink from a fire-hydrant.
What they shared were numerous stories about how their parents cared for them, protected them, made decisions for them, and in one instance even insisted that all pay checks be turned over to the parents because the parents didn't believe the child would make good decisions on what to do with the money. One of the young ladies described her college life as "brutal" because she was never prepared to handle attention from boys. The other spoke of the trouble she got into financially because no one ever showed her how to manage money. The longer they spoke and the more they shared, the clearer it became that the parents spent all of their time focusing on the journey (childhood) and never considered that all children are destined to become adults. In other words, they completely missed the point that as parents we need to be preparing our children for their destination - adulthood.
I understand the desire to keep children from what will harm them. Of course we are called to protect our children. I understand that we want to give our children the best, but when we seek to "bubble rap" our kids, either consciously or unconsciously, the law of unintended consequences takes hold and the children are harmed.
My wife and I always believed that one of the duties God gave us as parents was to take a child who was fully and completely dependent upon us, teach this child how to be independent in the hope that as adults we would be interdependent. I am always just a bit confused by parents who don't prepare a child for adulthood. Do they think they will be around forever to live and breath for their child? Don't they know that anyone or anything who/which doesn't learn to breath on its own cannot survive? Then there are the parents who demand a child stay subservient to them in diligent obedience all of his/her live. These parents cite the commandment "Honor your father and mother." But giving honor doesn't mean as an adult I still do everything my parents want me to do. Curiously, very few of these parents are doing everything grandma and grandpa want them to do.
There is no one size fits all answer to, "How do we prepare our children for the destination of adulthood?" Parenting, no matter how young or how old our children are, requires us to set an appropriate tension in the family. It is akin to setting the tension in a trampoline. Set the tension too high and the performer hits his head on the ceiling. Set the tension to low and the performer bottoms out. Manage every aspect of the child's life and the child is strangled by micromanaging. Manage the child's journey too loosely and the lack of structure will result in an undisciplined approach to adulthood. While setting tension in the family is critical and difficult, it is not impossible.
There are four primary areas one should pay attention to in the quest of preparing a child for adulthood. These areas are represented in the acronym S.I.P.S.
S piritually
I ntellectually
P hysicallly
S ocially
Every area needs an appropriate amount of attention and remember to do it in sips. It's awfully hard to drink from a fire-hydrant.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Unconscious Parenting
There were -and still are- many times that I endeavored to teach my sons something. With each age came new and different adventures of teaching the boys what I thought they needed to learn at that age. The lessons started small -how to tie a shoe- and grew progressively more adult and complex -how to tie a tie; how to use a vacuum cleaner, how to use a lawnmower; how to ride a bike, how to drive a car (I'm still recovering from this one).
All of these lessons -and so many more- were of course important, but on the grand scale of what is important in life it was the unconscious lessons that our sons learned from me and my wife which proved to be far more important and impactful in the lives of our now-adult sons. I refer to this part of parenting as "unconscious parenting." It is what we teach through example and role-modeling. You see, even when you are not consciously trying to teach a specific lesson, you are still teaching your children. They watch, listen and learn 100% of the time. The list of what we teach through acts of commission, and even more so through omission, is enormous. Commission: handling the routine of life from grocery shopping to cleaning the house, etc. Omission: all the times I failed in the presence of my kids to be kind, loving, compassionate, etc.
Our children had us as an example of how a marriage should look and function. They had us as an example of what work ethic is. They had us as an example of how to problem-solve or resolve personal conflict. We realized very early on that this "parenting thing" is very hard, especially since we have so many imperfections. It's bad enough that they live in a crazy, sin-filled world that will influence them and work at destroying God's creation at every turn; how can I as a parent (regardless of how old my child is) not be a contributing force to that destruction?
The answer is not to be found in our own capacities. Try all you want to will yourself to be and do better; you cannot give that which you do not have. But God has created each of us with the capacity to receive from outside of ourselves, thus allowing us to be and do better than we could on our own. It is called potential. Think of a light bulb: it has the capacity to receive electricity and the potential to illuminate. We have the capacity to receive God's grace and have the potential to live Godly lives. Therein lies the help that we need.
The second chapter of Titus is a chapter that all parents should read and reread, again and again and again. It is only 15 verses long. Here are verses 11-12: "For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say 'no' to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age."
One might argue that there are many parents who are "good" parents and they don't have God in their family/lives. I would contend that from a worldly point of view this might be what constitutes being a "good parent," but from God's point of view it falls enormously short. In Matthew 16:26 Jesus asks, "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" If a parent does not try to impart the spiritual realities of God and this present life to a child, thus contributing to eternal separation from God, what "good" has this parent done?
Once again, we should go back to Paul's letter Titus. First Titus 2:1, "you must teach what is in accordance with sound doctrine." Next, verses 7-8 of chapter 2: "in everything set [children] an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us."
All of these lessons -and so many more- were of course important, but on the grand scale of what is important in life it was the unconscious lessons that our sons learned from me and my wife which proved to be far more important and impactful in the lives of our now-adult sons. I refer to this part of parenting as "unconscious parenting." It is what we teach through example and role-modeling. You see, even when you are not consciously trying to teach a specific lesson, you are still teaching your children. They watch, listen and learn 100% of the time. The list of what we teach through acts of commission, and even more so through omission, is enormous. Commission: handling the routine of life from grocery shopping to cleaning the house, etc. Omission: all the times I failed in the presence of my kids to be kind, loving, compassionate, etc.
Our children had us as an example of how a marriage should look and function. They had us as an example of what work ethic is. They had us as an example of how to problem-solve or resolve personal conflict. We realized very early on that this "parenting thing" is very hard, especially since we have so many imperfections. It's bad enough that they live in a crazy, sin-filled world that will influence them and work at destroying God's creation at every turn; how can I as a parent (regardless of how old my child is) not be a contributing force to that destruction?
The answer is not to be found in our own capacities. Try all you want to will yourself to be and do better; you cannot give that which you do not have. But God has created each of us with the capacity to receive from outside of ourselves, thus allowing us to be and do better than we could on our own. It is called potential. Think of a light bulb: it has the capacity to receive electricity and the potential to illuminate. We have the capacity to receive God's grace and have the potential to live Godly lives. Therein lies the help that we need.
The second chapter of Titus is a chapter that all parents should read and reread, again and again and again. It is only 15 verses long. Here are verses 11-12: "For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say 'no' to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age."
One might argue that there are many parents who are "good" parents and they don't have God in their family/lives. I would contend that from a worldly point of view this might be what constitutes being a "good parent," but from God's point of view it falls enormously short. In Matthew 16:26 Jesus asks, "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" If a parent does not try to impart the spiritual realities of God and this present life to a child, thus contributing to eternal separation from God, what "good" has this parent done?
Once again, we should go back to Paul's letter Titus. First Titus 2:1, "you must teach what is in accordance with sound doctrine." Next, verses 7-8 of chapter 2: "in everything set [children] an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us."
Saturday, August 27, 2011
The trauma of transparency
Relationships are built first and foremost on trust. Trust that takes time to develop and implement. We do not trust others in the same way we walk into a room and trust a chair. We do not look the chair over, shake it to see if it is stable, apply some weight to it and then finally determine that the chair is worthy of our trust, thus sitting down. No, we walk in and sit down. But people, that is another matter.
We put out our "feelers", we make inquiries, we watch body language and emotions. Little by little we determine what level to give ourselves over in a trust relationship. Some relationships grow deep trustworthiness and allow for sharing on the most intimate of levels. Other relationships develop a sense of acquaintance, but come short of friendship. Then there are those individuals in our lives that we wouldn't share today's weather report with for fear of how the information will be used. There are, of course, many ports in the storm in-between.
Being transparent with someone (sharing oneself with another) requires risk taking. I have often told my wife, "I have yet to meet another human being whom I haven't disappointed at some point in time and vice-a-verse." When disappointment comes, trust is usually the first victim harming our ability to love. We think many times over before we choose to trust at the same level again and frequently never recover.
What sparks this disappointment? In my experience it comes from a failure to meet the expectations of another. Let's consider three general areas of expectations: spoken, shifting/changing, and unspoken.
Spoken - These are the expectations that come with agreements like marital vows. I promise before God to love my wife, "until death do us part." When I act in an unloving fashion the spoken expectation of love, and all that comes with it, is diminished at best and dies in the worst case scenario. We recoil or lash out, trying to punish the other party for the failure. Often this takes the form of, "I will no longer be transparent with you." We are traumatized, left wondering what went wrong.
This is closely followed by shifting or changing expectations. In this case you have some idea as to what another is looking for, but it can change at any moment. We see this when our kids ask us for something and we respond with, "We'll see." The child always takes this as a "yes", while the parent uses it for wiggle room. If the child does this or that, or behaves in this way or that way, then he might or might not get what he is asking for. Ultimately, through the failure to set clear expectations for the child and with the changing of mind based on every little thing the child does, mistrust sets in. If this happens at a young age, don't expect your teenager to come to you to discuss life's complex issues and the ball of confusion that is the teen years. Scripture says to "let your yes be yes and your no be no." I found this to be very effective.
Unspoken expectations provide us with the easiest target to miss. After all, how can I meet your expectations if I don't even know what they are? The assumption is frequently, "You should have known." Why? Because acts of kindness, compassion and love are supposed to come naturally toward those we care about. Unfortunately, our nature is to sin, not to be kind, compassionate and loving. Therefore, we must rely upon God to provide for us what we lack.
Over the years I have learned, when I get traumatized in a relationship to first get the facts. This calls for investigation and not the assigning of motives to actions, making statements like "You did this because...", or "You think...". Until you ask why I did something or what I think, you are working completely in the world of speculation and the seeds of destruction in a relationship have been sown.
Next, reflect upon your own part in the circumstances. Did you have unspoken expectations, shifting/changing expectations, or fail to meet the expectations you said you would meet?
Then employ grace and mercy. This calls for a discerning of intention. Many times I have asked myself, "Do you really think your wife got up this morning trying to purposely figure out ways to drive you away or make your life miserable?" I have learned to give individuals the benefit of the doubt. There will always be enough opportunities for us to see the sin nature in others. Take your time before coming to the conclusion that something was said or done "on purpose." It will save you a lot of heartbreak and anxiety. If you do finally conclude that an "on purpose" took place, ask God to give you his grace and mercy in dealing with it. After all hasn't grace and mercy been shown towards you by him?
Ultimately, God is the only person who will never disappoint you. He keeps his spoken promises, he does not change and has no hidden expectations. In this Gospel that we can have faith.
Hebrews 13:5b - 6 "...because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
We put out our "feelers", we make inquiries, we watch body language and emotions. Little by little we determine what level to give ourselves over in a trust relationship. Some relationships grow deep trustworthiness and allow for sharing on the most intimate of levels. Other relationships develop a sense of acquaintance, but come short of friendship. Then there are those individuals in our lives that we wouldn't share today's weather report with for fear of how the information will be used. There are, of course, many ports in the storm in-between.
Being transparent with someone (sharing oneself with another) requires risk taking. I have often told my wife, "I have yet to meet another human being whom I haven't disappointed at some point in time and vice-a-verse." When disappointment comes, trust is usually the first victim harming our ability to love. We think many times over before we choose to trust at the same level again and frequently never recover.
What sparks this disappointment? In my experience it comes from a failure to meet the expectations of another. Let's consider three general areas of expectations: spoken, shifting/changing, and unspoken.
Spoken - These are the expectations that come with agreements like marital vows. I promise before God to love my wife, "until death do us part." When I act in an unloving fashion the spoken expectation of love, and all that comes with it, is diminished at best and dies in the worst case scenario. We recoil or lash out, trying to punish the other party for the failure. Often this takes the form of, "I will no longer be transparent with you." We are traumatized, left wondering what went wrong.
This is closely followed by shifting or changing expectations. In this case you have some idea as to what another is looking for, but it can change at any moment. We see this when our kids ask us for something and we respond with, "We'll see." The child always takes this as a "yes", while the parent uses it for wiggle room. If the child does this or that, or behaves in this way or that way, then he might or might not get what he is asking for. Ultimately, through the failure to set clear expectations for the child and with the changing of mind based on every little thing the child does, mistrust sets in. If this happens at a young age, don't expect your teenager to come to you to discuss life's complex issues and the ball of confusion that is the teen years. Scripture says to "let your yes be yes and your no be no." I found this to be very effective.
Unspoken expectations provide us with the easiest target to miss. After all, how can I meet your expectations if I don't even know what they are? The assumption is frequently, "You should have known." Why? Because acts of kindness, compassion and love are supposed to come naturally toward those we care about. Unfortunately, our nature is to sin, not to be kind, compassionate and loving. Therefore, we must rely upon God to provide for us what we lack.
Over the years I have learned, when I get traumatized in a relationship to first get the facts. This calls for investigation and not the assigning of motives to actions, making statements like "You did this because...", or "You think...". Until you ask why I did something or what I think, you are working completely in the world of speculation and the seeds of destruction in a relationship have been sown.
Next, reflect upon your own part in the circumstances. Did you have unspoken expectations, shifting/changing expectations, or fail to meet the expectations you said you would meet?
Then employ grace and mercy. This calls for a discerning of intention. Many times I have asked myself, "Do you really think your wife got up this morning trying to purposely figure out ways to drive you away or make your life miserable?" I have learned to give individuals the benefit of the doubt. There will always be enough opportunities for us to see the sin nature in others. Take your time before coming to the conclusion that something was said or done "on purpose." It will save you a lot of heartbreak and anxiety. If you do finally conclude that an "on purpose" took place, ask God to give you his grace and mercy in dealing with it. After all hasn't grace and mercy been shown towards you by him?
Ultimately, God is the only person who will never disappoint you. He keeps his spoken promises, he does not change and has no hidden expectations. In this Gospel that we can have faith.
Hebrews 13:5b - 6 "...because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
Friday, August 26, 2011
Why this blog exists.
The purpose of this blog is to share thoughts about issues that impact family. Family in the broadest sense, the family of mankind, right down to a very narrow meaning, mom, dad and the kids.
I write from a Christian world view so you can expect references to the Bible and an orientation to right relationships with God, society, extended family, immediate family and of course friends.
I am no expert in any of these areas, but I do have experience in each which I hope to share through these posts. I hope and pray that what I share will be helpful yet challenging and would encourage anyone reading this to ask questions or share appropriate and respectful comments.
As this is my first attempt at a blog, I am not sure how often I will be able to post. As like others I have a full time job, a family and many other "irons in the fire."
I hope that as the days and weeks go by we will grow together, after all family does matter!
I write from a Christian world view so you can expect references to the Bible and an orientation to right relationships with God, society, extended family, immediate family and of course friends.
I am no expert in any of these areas, but I do have experience in each which I hope to share through these posts. I hope and pray that what I share will be helpful yet challenging and would encourage anyone reading this to ask questions or share appropriate and respectful comments.
As this is my first attempt at a blog, I am not sure how often I will be able to post. As like others I have a full time job, a family and many other "irons in the fire."
I hope that as the days and weeks go by we will grow together, after all family does matter!
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