The trauma of transparency

Relationships are built first and foremost on trust.  Trust that takes time to develop and implement.  We do not trust others in the same way we walk into a room and trust a chair.  We do not look the chair over, shake it to see if it is stable, apply some weight to it and then finally determine that the chair is worthy of our trust, thus sitting down.  No, we walk in and sit down.  But people, that is another matter.

We put out our "feelers", we make inquiries, we watch body language and emotions.  Little by little we determine what level to give ourselves over in a trust relationship.  Some relationships grow deep trustworthiness and allow for sharing on the most intimate of levels.  Other relationships develop a sense of acquaintance, but come short of friendship.  Then there are those individuals in our lives that we wouldn't share today's weather report with for fear of how the information will be used.  There are, of course, many ports in the storm in-between.

Being transparent with someone (sharing oneself with another) requires risk taking.  I have often told my wife, "I have yet to meet another human being whom I haven't disappointed at some point in time and vice-a-verse."  When disappointment comes, trust is usually the first victim harming our ability to love.  We think many times over before we choose to trust at the same level again and frequently never recover.

What sparks this disappointment?  In my experience it comes from a failure to meet the expectations of another.  Let's consider three general areas of expectations: spoken, shifting/changing, and unspoken.

Spoken - These are the expectations that come with agreements like marital vows.  I promise before God to love my wife, "until death do us part."  When I act in an unloving fashion the spoken expectation of love, and all that comes with it, is diminished at best and dies in the worst case scenario.  We recoil or lash out, trying to punish the other party for the failure.  Often this takes the form of, "I will no longer be transparent with you."  We are traumatized, left wondering what went wrong.

This is closely followed by shifting or changing expectations.  In this case you have some idea as to what another is looking for, but it can change at any moment.  We see this when our kids ask us for something and we respond with, "We'll see."  The child always takes this as a "yes", while the parent uses it for wiggle room.  If the child does this or that, or behaves in this way or that way, then he might or might not get what he is asking for.  Ultimately, through the failure to set clear expectations for the child and with the changing of mind based on every little thing the child does, mistrust sets in.  If this happens at a young age, don't expect your teenager to come to you to discuss life's complex issues and the ball of confusion that is the teen years.  Scripture says to "let your yes be yes and your no be no."  I found this to be very effective.

Unspoken expectations provide us with the easiest target to miss.  After all, how can I meet your expectations if I don't even know what they are? The assumption is frequently, "You should have known."  Why?  Because acts of kindness, compassion and love are supposed to come naturally toward those we care about.  Unfortunately, our nature is to sin, not to be kind, compassionate and loving.  Therefore, we must rely upon God to provide for us what we lack.

Over the years I have learned, when I get traumatized in a relationship to first get the facts.  This calls for investigation and not the assigning of motives to actions, making statements like "You did this because...", or "You think...".  Until you ask why I did something or what I think, you are working completely in the world of speculation and the seeds of destruction in a relationship have been sown.

Next, reflect upon your own part in the circumstances.  Did you have unspoken expectations, shifting/changing expectations, or fail to meet the expectations you said you would meet?

Then employ grace and mercy.  This calls for a discerning of intention.  Many times I have asked myself, "Do you really think your wife got up this morning trying to purposely figure out ways to drive you away or make your life miserable?"  I have learned to give individuals the benefit of the doubt.  There will always be enough opportunities for us to see the sin nature in others.  Take your time before coming to the conclusion that something was said or done "on purpose."  It will save you a lot of heartbreak and anxiety.  If you do finally conclude that an "on purpose" took place, ask God to give you his grace and mercy in dealing with it.  After all hasn't grace and mercy been shown towards you by him?

Ultimately, God is the only person who will never disappoint you.  He keeps his spoken promises, he does not change and has no hidden expectations.  In this Gospel that we can have faith.

Hebrews 13:5b - 6  "...because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'  So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?"