Unconscious Parenting

There were -and still are- many times that I endeavored to teach my sons something.  With each age came new and different adventures of teaching the boys what I thought they needed to learn at that age.  The lessons started small -how to tie a shoe- and grew progressively more adult and complex -how to tie a tie; how to use a vacuum cleaner, how to use a lawnmower; how to ride a bike, how to drive a car (I'm still recovering from this one).

All of these lessons -and so many more- were of course important, but on the grand scale of what is important in life it was the unconscious lessons that our sons learned from me and my wife which proved to be far more important and impactful in the lives of our now-adult sons.  I refer to this part of parenting as "unconscious parenting."  It is what we teach through example and role-modeling.  You see, even when you are not consciously trying to teach a specific lesson, you are still teaching your children.  They watch, listen and learn 100% of the time. The list of what we teach through acts of commission, and even more so through omission, is enormous.  Commission: handling the routine of life from grocery shopping to cleaning the house, etc.  Omission: all the times I failed in the presence of my kids to be kind, loving, compassionate, etc.

Our children had us as an example of how a marriage should look and function. They had us as an example of what work ethic is.  They had us as an example of how to problem-solve or resolve personal conflict.  We realized very early on that this "parenting thing" is very hard, especially since we have so many imperfections.  It's bad enough that they live in a crazy, sin-filled world that will influence them and work at destroying God's creation at every turn; how can I as a parent (regardless of how old my child is) not be a contributing force to that destruction?

The answer is not to be found in our own capacities.  Try all you want to will yourself to be and do better; you cannot give that which you do not have.  But God has created each of us with the capacity to receive from outside of ourselves, thus allowing us to be and do better than we could on our own.  It is called potential.  Think of a light bulb: it has the capacity to receive electricity and the potential to illuminate.  We have the capacity to receive God's grace and have the potential to live Godly lives.  Therein lies the help that we need. 

The second chapter of Titus is a chapter that all parents should read and reread, again and again and again.  It is only 15 verses long.  Here are verses 11-12: "For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men.  It teaches us to say 'no' to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age."

One might argue that there are many parents who are "good" parents and they don't have God in their family/lives.  I would contend that from a worldly point of view this might be what constitutes being a "good parent," but from God's point of view it falls enormously short.  In Matthew 16:26 Jesus asks, "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?"  If a parent does not try to impart the spiritual realities of God and this present life to a child, thus contributing to eternal separation from God, what "good" has this parent done?

Once again, we should go back to Paul's letter Titus.  First Titus 2:1, "you must teach what is in accordance with sound doctrine."  Next, verses 7-8 of chapter 2:  "in everything set [children] an example by doing what is good.  In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us."