The Season of Love

Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years are regularly referred to as “The Holiday Season” and during that time a great deal of attention is given to human romance, with wedding proposals often abounding.  In fact, I have often heard of this time of year being called “The Season of Love.”  With that in mind, I thought it important to say a few words about this thing called “love” and what our kids (and adult acquaintances who still don’t have a clue about such things) should be informed of, specifically in regard to “knowing” when one is “in love.”

 I remember a number of years ago having lunch with some co-workers and listening to one of the ladies at the table describe her frustration as she had recently tried to counsel her daughter upon being asked, “Mom, how will I know I am in love?”  After several failed attempts at provide her daughter with helpful information concerning the “signs and signals” she told her daughter she would “give it more thought” and “get back to her.”  She then asked those of us at the table how we would answer the question.  Several individuals provided encouragement and told her she was on the right track since “there is no one proven way” to make this determination.  Eventually, my silence became obvious and the question was put to me.  My answer, “Being in or out of love isn’t something one tries to know or figure out.  Being in or out of love is something one commits to.”  The former works off of emotion and feelings which come and go, the latter is deeper and richer, it works from commitment which does not depend upon external stimuli.  The latter says my love is not dependent upon circumstances; it is given because I have chosen to do so.  Such is the love that God has for us and ultimately the love a husband and wife should have for one another.  To enter into a marital or serious personal relationship without this understanding is always less of a relationship than could exist and frequently is an unviable relationship ending in brokenness and significant harm.

In February of 2013, I will have been married for 32 years.  My wife and I could never have made it this far if our marriage was built upon the feelings we first had when we held one another’s hand.  Not that we don’t still enjoy such simple pleasures, but we have moved to deeper and richer aspects in our relationship; a richness that can only come about through commitment, keeping our word/promises and learning to trust.

If you have children at or approaching the point in life where they are asking questions about love, or you know the adult who has never learned about or fears commitment, take the time to explain the difference between knowing and deciding if one is in or out of love.  It may make the difference between a relationship that is half full or broken, or a relationship that is filled to the brim and lived to the full.

Christmas Fantasy

Christmas in the USA often poses a challenge to Christian parents; “What to with all the Christmas secularism?”  In the midst of one of the two most revered and recognized Christian holy days there is an ongoing attempt to take away from Christians what they hold precious and dear.  But before you go off the deep end and try to exclude everything that is “non-religious,” let’s explore a few things.

First, does the fact that something is non-religious make it “bad?”  If this were the case, there would be an awful lot in life that Christians would not be able to enjoy or participate in.  For instance, there isn’t anything religious about riding a bike, flying in a hot air balloon, making a snow man, or throwing someone a surprise birthday party, but all of these things can be great fun.  So let’s set aside the “non-religious activity = bad” concept.  It just doesn’t hold true.

Second, let’s consider God’s creation.  Believe it or not, God created fun, fantasy and dreams.  In fact, if it were not for these God given human abilities you would not be reading this blog on your computer, would you?  Like in most areas of human abilities, it’s not that we have these abilities, it’s what we do with them that makes something God honoring or not.

Now, let’s pull it all together in the context of our Christmas celebration and experience.  There is nothing inherently wrong or bad with Santa Claus, Christmas parties, presents, Christmas cookies and the like, it is what you do with these things and fantasies that can make them God honoring or not.  So, enjoy the season as God leads and using all of the abilities that God has given you and your children to enjoy this life, which may include Santa, cookies, parties and presents, but do so in a way that God is honored and the reason for the season is very evident in your and your children’s experience.

A quick example from our family experience; before a present is opened we always read the narrative of the birth of Jesus from the Gospel of Luke and follow it up with a short prayer of gratitude.  It’s just enough to get the message across while still maintaining the fun of it all.

Now, put on your fantasy and dream caps and look for ways to use your God given abilities and…

Merry Christmas!

Let them keep score!

There has been a movement for many years now which discourages or outright prohibits the keeping of a score in athletic competition.  Like many well intentioned attempts to spare the feelings of individuals, this movement also misses the mark.  Individuals who find themselves on the losing end of a score can and should learn some very valuable lessons about life and we must not keep our young people from learning these lessons at a young age so they can navigate life appropriately once they become adults.  Here are some of the lessons to be learned and taught.

1.    Compete to win.  Scripture says ““For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12.  Our children must understand how to compete and what to compete for; their eternal soul is at stake.  Athletic competition can teach an individual how to compete and the lessons can easily be transferred to the realm of spiritual competition.

2.    Know what the score is.  Knowing what the score is produces a myriad of emotions and feelings.  These can range from elation to desperation; all of which need to be channeled in positive directions.  If a child is never given the opportunity to learn how to manage success and failure at a young age, expect disaster when he/she fails to succeed.  Keeping score gives one the opportunity to know one’s status in the game, thus allowing for a planned response to events instead of creating the picture that “everyone is a winner,” which we know scripture says is not true (see Matt. 25:41-46).

3.    Learn the difference between failing and failure.  Thomas Edison made more than 10,000 attempts to invent the electric light bulb, but no one would call him a failure.  On the other hand, it’s a good thing no one told Edison after 5,000 attempts he was a success for “making such a good effort.”  Our children must learn the difference between failing and failure and there should be no confusion between the two.  Would anyone describe the Apostle Peter as a failure?  Yet he did fail.  He failed to stay awake in the Garden, he failed to remain at Jesus’ side and ran away with the others, and his pinnacle of failure came when he outright denied Jesus in the courtyard.  All of these are clear examples of failing, but he repented, was restored and went on to great success as a witness for Christ.  Judas, on the other hand, was a failure.  The difference between the two is quite clear.  All humanity can cheer knowing that Jesus didn’t just make a good effort and then died on the cross.  He rose from the dead and turned defeat into victory!  Children need to know that God can turn their failings into successes too.

4.    Understand the role of compassion.  All of us have seen the dejected look on the face of an individual who had just lost.  The movement to expunge score-keeping seeks to remove this look by pretending that everyone is a winner for just trying, but in so doing it fails to nurture the higher calling of developing compassion one for another.  It is important for children to recognize when someone is hurting and then be taught the skill of providing compassion and encouragement.  This is far better than telling children the hurt they feel inside isn’t really there since they tried so hard.  The heart knows better, so teach your child how to exercise compassion.

5.    Developing a work ethic.  I used to tell my sons, “If you don’t like the grade you received (in school) do something about it.” The same holds true for the score at the end of the game.  If one doesn’t like the score at the end of the game the only real option one has is to work harder to “do something about it.”  This is called work ethic.  How hard is one willing to work to achieve a desired outcome?  Failing to keep a score nurtures a work ethic which settles for less than ones best.  Why bother to work when “everyone is a winner” regardless of the effort put forward or the quality of the product produced.  Jesus showed us what work ethic is, should we and our children give any less?

I am certain that many of you can come up with additional lessons, but who’s keeping score?  Well actually, I am.

Can you hear the music?

Can you hear the music?  Are you listening to the music?  Are you paying attention to the music?  What music am I talking about, the music your child is listening to.

You can find out a lot about an individual by discovering the music he/she listens to.  Music has the ability to speak to and for others.  As a writer of music, I frequently pour thoughts and emotions into my music that I have no other way of expressing (safely).  I have seen my music both speak to and for others.  When I see another person brought to tears (literally) by what the music is expressing, I know this person has been reach and touched, a piece of me has been understood and accepted and vice versa.

Growing up, I spent a lot of time discovering many genres of music and each one spoke for me and to me in different ways.  It was interesting that my parents, whose music interests were for the most part shaped in the late 1930’s through the early 1950’s (basically pre-rock,) were equally caught off guard by my interest in rock and roll and classical music at the same time.  I would come home from the music store with a top 10 rock and roll 45rpm record (the small one with the big hole) in one hand and Arthur Fiedler and the Boston Pops playing the William Tell Overture on  a 33 1/3 album (the big one with the small hole) in the other.  I never did get the impression that they grasped how the music was speaking to me and for me.  Now, when I sit at my piano, write some music and then orchestrate it, I am speaking for myself, the music has roots and meaning, it’s not just dots attached to vertical lines, placed on horizontal lines.  If you listen carefully enough you will have a glimpse into me that no other opportunity will provide.

It is the same with the music that you and I listen to, and it is the same with the music that our kids listen to.  Listen carefully and you will get a glimpse inside.  Which of us, when listening to a piece of music hasn’t been whisked to a time and place in the past?  Which of us, when listening to a piece of music hasn’t experienced emotions long forgotten or buried deep within us?  Which of us, when listening to a piece of music, hasn’t experienced new emotions; emotions so attractive that we can’t help but explore them?  Which of us, when watching a movie, hasn’t been impacted by the musical score, which sets up the chase, the laugh, the heartbreak, the jump out of your skin surprise?  Music speaks, moves, alters, encourages, soothes, tells stories and so much more.

Can you hear the music?  Are you listening to the music?  Are you paying attention to the music?  What music am I talking about?  The music your child is listening to.  If you aren’t you may be missing moments to laugh with or encourage your child.  You may be missing the moment that he/she is trying to sort through those feelings about boys and girls.  You may be missing that your child is angry and depressed.  It’s right there before your eyes, if you only take the time to listen.

Why Didn't God Do Something?

Last week I attended the wake of a 21 year old woman who had died several days earlier as the result of an auto accident.  Two days after that the tragedy in Aurora, Colorado took place, leaving 12 people dead and over 50 wounded.  As sad and tragic as these situations are, sadder still is the inevitable questioning of God.  “How could a good God let something like this happen?”  “Why doesn’t God do something to prevent these kinds of events?”  “Where was God when this happened?”  

The best way to answer these questions and all questions of this ilk is to get right to the point.  God is not responsible for the free will choices of mankind and some of those choices are sinful.  No more than Henry Ford is responsible for every vehicle accident involving a Ford motor vehicle.

God gave mankind free will and God is a respecter of mankind’s free will choices.  To ask God to do something about free will is to ultimately ask God to severely limit our free will or take our free will away altogether.  The problem with these two options is that both remove from us the capacity to love because love demands the ability to choose.

Maybe your thought is that God should keep free will in place and just intervene in major incidents.  This fails to take into consideration what we consider minor isn’t minor to God.  God takes all free will choices that are sinful very seriously.  We tend to overlook much of the sin in our lives and project onto God that he will do the same, after all “God is love” and a loving God won’t punish me, will he?  And what about those free will choices that result in tragedy but aren’t sinful, like the individual who goes out swimming and drowns accidentally?  What is God to do, prevent this individual from going swimming?  Let’s be realistic about this option, too.  How many of us have had to deal with the temper tantrums and attitudes of children who are prevented from doing something because we as parents “know better” or to save the child from the consequences of his/her choices?  In such situations the relationship between parent and child splinters and sometimes fractures beyond repair.  Do we really believe that this wouldn’t be the case if God were to intervene in this fashion?  What kind of love relationship would that be with God?  

To take away or limit free will would lead to humanity being nothing more than robots or programmed like computers.  Like it or not, God chose to give mankind free will and mankind regularly determines to use that freedom to perform sinful and/or unwise acts.  But this doesn’t mean we are without hope.  You see God has done something about our propensity to sin or be unwise.  He did something in the person of Jesus Christ.  Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrated his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

We have the ability to walk away from sin and turn to Jesus and should we make an unwise choice that results in the loss of life we can look forward to a life with Jesus in eternity.  All of this is made possible through the death and resurrection of Jesus.  We need only have faith.  God has given us hope while maintaining our free will which allows us to respond to his love with love in return.

We must remember that tomorrow is not guaranteed.  We go to bed and sleep in the expectation that we will wake up.  We talk about what we will do tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, when we retire, when our kids grow up, etc.  All stated with the certainty that tomorrow is ours and we will be here to live it.  We lose sight of the immediacy of life and become complacent.  All the more reason to turn to Christ while it is still day.