So, this week another life change was introduced, my youngest son announced his engagement. So what is the role and proper response of a parent to such a monumental decision in the life one's child? Well, my first thought is to encourage all parents to understand your child is not a child anymore.
My youngest son is 26 years old, a college graduate, who has a job that requires him to supervisor other individuals. He lives on his own, pays his bills, is a leader in youth ministry at the church he attends and is capable of cooking very good meals. Sounds like an adult to me. Are there sons and daughters that make these decisions at a younger age with much less going for them, absolutely, but I believe the parental role and response should still be the same. That should be respect, encouragement, guidance and love.
Respect: My son is a man, not a child. He will always be my son, but he is no longer an individual making childlike decisions, therefore, he deserves to be treated as adult. When your children reach adult age and you want him/her to act like a mature adult, treat them like mature adults. Let them make decisions and respect the decisions they make. The choice to marry is my son's choice not mine. It is his life not mine. If you show respect, respect is usually what you get in return. This opens the door for healthy adult relations between a parent and adult child. Individuals that don't get respect or feel respect have no reason to seek out relationship.
Encouragement: The two hardest things I have ever done in life are also the two things that have brought me the most joy in life, being married and having children. Knowing much of what lies ahead for my son he will need all of the encouragement he can get. It is hard to be the person that is expected to meet many of the emotional needs of another person, not to mention all of the help around the house, running/assisting with finances, helping with kids (if so blessed), caring in times of illness, and hardest of all (at least for me) letting another person into my most personal life and thoughts. I want to be there, cheering my son onward, letting him know he can do it, reminding him to persevere, encouraging him. Which of us doesn't need these things and more?
Guidance: Guidance can only be given when another individual respects you and understands that any problem brought to you will be treated with dignity and followed up with encouragement. It is important to remember guidance is not an order or directive. It is a sharing of experience and wisdom. Give options, but leave the final decision up to your son or daughter. If you don't agree with the direction he/she picks keep it to your self. If the decision backfires, be there to help pick up the pieces and avoid the "I told you so" trap. They will know that without being told and embarrassed.
Love: Selfless commitment to another. Any questions?
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