What do children owe their parents?

What do children owe their parents?  What an interesting question.  Children are brought into this world by no will of their own.  So on the one hand they owe their very life to the parents.  On the other hand, because it was the parents' decision to have the child, it is the responsibility of the parents to provide for the child's welfare and upbringing.  So, in a sense the child owes the parents nothing since the parents were simply carrying out their responsibilities.  I think the answer to this question lies somewhere in the middle.

Every child owes his/her parents a debt of gratitude for the life they have been given, but a debt of gratitude should not be confused with a debt that requires repayment through subservience all his/her life.  Yet this is what I often see parents asking for, or requiring of their children.  In Christian circles the familiar verse of "Honor your father and mother" is usually called upon to justify this stance.  But honor does not mean total, undying obedience.  What is does mean is that children are to give respect to their parents.  For non-adult children this respect usually takes on the form of obedience to legitimate instruction and direction.  For adult children it should take the form of giving weight/consideration to the wisdom and counsel of a parent.  It is especially important for parents to recognize that their adult children need to be free from the childhood expectations of obedience.

Let's look at another section of scripture to make this point.  Ephesians 6:1-4, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  "Honor your father and mother" - which is the first commandment with a promise - "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."  Here we see it is right for parents to expect obedience "in the Lord."  In other words obedience to legitimate instruction and direction.  A child is under no compulsion to rob a bank at the instruction of the parent.  A child is, however, compelled to "clean up his/her room" when told to do so.  And there are limits on parental instruction.  Fathers are told not to exasperate their children.  Have you ever seen an adult child yearning for the respect of a parent only to be treated like a small child, even to the point of bullying and intimidation, threats and even physical violence?  How is anyone to honor such a parent?  The charge given to the father is to "bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."  Why?  So the child can remain a servant of the parent forever?  Of course not.  It is so the child can become a full fledged man or woman before the Lord, capable of serving in whatever capacity God calls that individual to serve.  Parents cannot accomplish this unless they train the child to be independent of the parents.

We saw the life of our children as having three stages.  Dependence, independence, and interdependence.  When they were born, they were completely dependent upon us for everything.  One of our goals was to help them learn to be independent.  As they grew we tried to impart this to them.  We wanted our children to be good citizens of God's Kingdom and good citizens in our society.  But the goal wasn't to teach the type of independence which leads to an attitude of, "I am master of my life and captain of my ship!"  No the idea is to teach independence which results in interdependence.  That is a relationship where both child and parent are mutually respected, trusted, considerate and helpful.  That probably reads like blasphemy to some parents who will never see their children as equals, which is really very tragic because it is usually only after relationships are broken that many parents come to realize that in many respects our adult children are often the "adult in the room" and far superior to us.

If you had the type of parent who held everything ever done for you as a debt over your head, or you are that type of parent yourself, I would ask, "Did you not do what you did out of love for your child?"  If you didn't, what a shameful way to have approached your parenting for you have encumbered your child with a debt he/she can never repay and put a wedge between you and him/her that will not allow for the love and respect that should exist between a parent and child.  If you did do everything out of love for your child, then your child only owes you the debt to love in return.  When a child loves you in return, there is no monetary or materialistic payment that can equal or surpass it.

So, what do your children owe you?