Mom Trumps Science

When I take the time to look back on my life it is very clear how the role of science has taken front stage as the rock on which many individuals have built their life and faith, but a recent experience outside of an ice cream shop made me smile.  

It was a simple scene and small interaction between a father and his 3 children.  As the four individuals exited the shop one of the boys, about 10 years old, complained about pain in his foot and indicated a strong desire to have his mom “take care of it.”  The father on the other hand had a different idea. He responded, “You don’t need your mom, dad is dad and he’s a doctor.”  The boy just hung his head and muttered “I want my mom.”  The boy wasn’t interested in the degree or profession of his dad, all he knew was that mom was what was needed to make his hurt better.

It takes a lot of “re-education” to drive out of a child what God has placed inside, but the world is doing its best to do just that with its systematic educational systems, political forces and social systems, all geared toward advancing a pathology which rejects the notion that there is a God, which includes significant confusion over the roles of moms and dads.  There are gifts which God has imparted to men and to women and we ignore that there are differences between the sexes at our own peril.  It was fascinating to see that for this one young boy mom still trumps science. 

Coping

I now have the privilege of looking back at several generations, as well remembering at least two generations before me.  In a recent reflection upon the differences between the generations I have observed and interacted with, one thing leapt to the forefront of differences; and no, it isn’t music.  

The difference which I observed is “coping skills,” the ability to manage or handle the adversity that life places at our door step every day.  I think of my wife’s grandmother who lived through two world wars and I mean lived through them.  She didn’t live here in the USA where individuals endured the wars; she lived in Germany, along the French border in the heart of the wars.  I have seen the pictures of the flattened city from which she evacuated and know of the hardship of rebuilding life many times over.  I mention this not to minimize the struggles we all go through, but to highlight what forged the strength in the person I knew as “Kätche-Oma.”  These experiences taught her how to cope and were passed down to her grandchild (my wife); a gentle, compassionate and loving woman, qualities which should never be mistaken for weakness, as anyone who truly knows her can attest too, but if ever there was a person who believes “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger,” she would be that person.  The lessons handed down to her by her Oma did not and have not diminished in any way all that is best in her.  In fact, they have enhanced what is best in her. 

One does not need to live through the horrors of war, or its aftermath, to develop coping skills, but one must be allowed to struggle in small ways to develop the coping skills needed to appropriately manage the larger things in life.

For children today, this means rejecting the foolishness of establishing “self-esteem” as a number one priority in their lives.  I know far too many individuals who have been filled with enough self-esteem to fill an ocean, who then reach the adult world, which refuses to pamper their self-indulgent ego, and they fall apart as they begin to understand for the first time they are not the best and brightest just by being present.  The outcome is devastating as they struggle to cope, an experience they should have tasted as a child so they could manage as an adult.

There are many ways in which you can provide your children with experiences that will teach them coping skills.  Let them play games that have clear winners and losers.  Managing the frustration or even hurt of losing is a valuable lesson for adult life.  Let them feel the failure of poor performance (hold them accountable).  Let them struggle at a chore or job around the home that you know they are not good at so they can learn that not all things in life come easy or are done for us, sometimes we have to do things we don’t like.  When possible, let them have a pet so they can learn to care for another living being and eventually experience the loss of that being through death.  Let them make age appropriate decisions that may have minor negative consequences (nothing that will permanently scare or damage the individual) so they can understand that choices have consequences.  We are free to choose, but we are not free to select the consequences/outcomes of those choices, something every child should understand by the time he/she is a teenager.  I am certain you can think of many other ways to teach children coping skills and I would encourage you to give conscious thought to it from now on.

One thing is for certain in this regard, while you struggle to teach your children to how to cope with life, they are doing their utmost to unconsciously teach you how to cope.

Transitions

Life is a series of transitions.  How we navigate these transitions as parents can make or break relationships; relationships with our spouse, our children, our adult brothers and sisters, our parents and grandparents, all the way up, down and across the relationship spectrum.  

Looking back at my younger years as a son and brother (one of six children) I have much to be thankful for as to how my parents managed many of my personal transitions.  They demonstrated commitment and resolve, steadfastness and grit, and attempted to impart to me a value system which they believed was essential to surviving in the adult world.  We didn’t always agree on how to proceed in life, which I believe is normative between parents and children, but I did learn from their example.

Remembering my years as the father of two young boys, it is easy now to see where I made mistakes and where I was successful in working through the transitions in their lives while trying to manage what was going on inside of me.  (Note: Children have very little recognition of, or insight into the transitions taking place in the personal lives of their parents, they are too wrapped up in their own world to consider such things.  I speak from personal experience.)  I hope I was a good role model and my sons learned from watching me.

Now as the father of two adult men, who themselves are married, I find myself still navigating the waters of transition.  Why would it be any different?  The sun still comes up and sets, the seasons still come and go, and the seconds, minutes and hours still relentlessly tick off one by one.  I am changing, they are changing, and we are changing.  In the midst of it all are the dreams, hopes and aspirations of my sons and their wives, which must be nurtured so fullness can be achieved.  Is this not what any loving parent would desire for his child?  This position, however, will always require sacrifice on my part and the part of all parents who take this approach to life’s transitions.  

Sacrifice can come in many ways.  My parents for instance were “providers.”  They provided for our daily needs and beyond, sacrificing some of the finer pleasures they could have had for themselves for the benefit of their children.  I believe one of the more difficult forms of sacrifice comes in learning how to let go.  My children were given to me by God for a time, to train and educate, love and nurture in such a manner that they would hopefully turn their lives over to Him.  My children are not mine to keep, they will always be my sons, but they must be let go.  They too must learn to make the transitions from dependence to independence in the hope that we will eventually be interdependent.  This can be a very difficult process, especially if there is a strong value of family in the relationships.

Aside from the love and respect of my sons, there is nothing I desire more in my relationship with them than to remain relevant in their lives, to know that I am still needed.  I would suspect this is true for many other parents as well.  It has been my observation in life that when an individual no longer has a sense of being needed by others a very slow death process begins.  Take the time to step into a nursing home once and you will see what I mean.

Relevancy in the life of an adult child, however, cannot be forced, it must be reciprocal.  Each person in the relationship must make an effort to reach out and reach back.  If this reaching out and back is not taking place is it often because one party is taking the presence of the other party in this world for granted.  Listening to the comments of those attending funerals will instantly tell you who took the departed for granted.

So how does one make this transition and balance letting go and relevance?  My suggestion: look back to remember the good times not to lord the past over an individual and look forward to new adventures and possibilities not to mourn time and distance.  This means you remember the trip to the circus and the fun you had and not look back to tell someone, “You have always been…” (Fill in the accusation).  It means planning out time in the future with one another and exploring life’s transitions together instead of talking about things you wish you could do.

Remember, God let us go into this world in the hope that we would return (reciprocate) his love and allow Him to be relevant in our life, with the promise of a bright future in eternity with Him.  Wow, talk about transitions!

Heros?

In the USA, hero worship is not an uncommon phenomenon.  We see it in the posters in kid’s rooms, the faces on the t-shirts, the times when kids pretend to be the individual they idolize and in many more ways.

From the adult side of the equation, the stature of being a hero is often set up by the commercialism that exists in our country.  Face it, every time an athlete or movie personality attempts to pitch or sell a product the message is ultimately, “Be like me.”  

Kids need to be guided toward appropriate role models and heroes in life and there is one role model and hero that is commonly overlooked.  The role model I speak of is very controversial and humble at the same time, but he is a hero nonetheless.  Take a close look at the heroes in your kids’ lives and ask if they can make claims such as this:

1.  “I am the way the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me.” (Jn. 14:6)

2.  “I have come that you may have life, and have it to the full.” (Jn. 10:10)

3.  “I who speak to you am he (the messiah).” (Jn. 4:26)

4.  “You are right in saying I am.” (After being asked, “Are you the son of God?”) (Lk. 22:70)

5.  “Your sins are forgiven.” (Lk. 5:20)

6.  “Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Matt. 10:39)

My hero can and did make these claims and backed them up by rising from the dead!  My hero, of course, is Jesus.  Who do you and your kids have as your hero? 

Quality Time?

On a regular basis, I hear parents say they struggle with how to spend “quality time” with their kids.  In almost every instance the parents talk about quality time with entertainment being the focus of the activity.  While a certain amount of entertainment for children and parents is healthy, parents who focus solely or significantly on entertainment are “missing out.”

I remember years ago asking my youngest son what he had learned in Sunday school that day.  His answer was simple yet penetrating, “Time isn’t something we should ‘spend’, it is something we should invest.’”  I learned a significant lesson that day.  Over the years I looked for ways to invest my time in my kids.  One way that worked well for me was wood-working.  In the beginning, the crafts were very simple - crafts, bird houses, ornaments, simple boxes and the like.  Eventually, we went on to make a computer desk with book shelves, glass top tables, and complex projects of the like.  The time invested in the boys was well worth it.  Not only did they learn practical skills with tools, they could see the end product of their efforts and enjoy the fruits of their labor for years to come.

But wood-working has life lessons to teach us too.  Lessons about sacrifice; a tree must be sacrificed for my purposes.  Lessons about beauty; it is amazing what rich beauty exists beneath the bark of a tree and in the right hands can be brought forward for all to enjoy.  Much like the life of a human placed in the hands of God.  Lessons about short cuts, work ethic and commitment; projects taking short cuts typically result in inferior quality and projects left half-done are of no use to anyone and a waste of sacrifice.  There is so much to teach, so much to learn, with fun and excitement at every turn.

Perhaps wood-working isn’t your bailiwick, then try something else!  There is a world of arts, crafts and trades waiting to be explored by you and your kids, photography, model building, painting, sewing, knitting, cooking, sculpting, music, gardening, it is all there waiting for you and your child to invest in.