Transitions

Life is a series of transitions.  How we navigate these transitions as parents can make or break relationships; relationships with our spouse, our children, our adult brothers and sisters, our parents and grandparents, all the way up, down and across the relationship spectrum.  

Looking back at my younger years as a son and brother (one of six children) I have much to be thankful for as to how my parents managed many of my personal transitions.  They demonstrated commitment and resolve, steadfastness and grit, and attempted to impart to me a value system which they believed was essential to surviving in the adult world.  We didn’t always agree on how to proceed in life, which I believe is normative between parents and children, but I did learn from their example.

Remembering my years as the father of two young boys, it is easy now to see where I made mistakes and where I was successful in working through the transitions in their lives while trying to manage what was going on inside of me.  (Note: Children have very little recognition of, or insight into the transitions taking place in the personal lives of their parents, they are too wrapped up in their own world to consider such things.  I speak from personal experience.)  I hope I was a good role model and my sons learned from watching me.

Now as the father of two adult men, who themselves are married, I find myself still navigating the waters of transition.  Why would it be any different?  The sun still comes up and sets, the seasons still come and go, and the seconds, minutes and hours still relentlessly tick off one by one.  I am changing, they are changing, and we are changing.  In the midst of it all are the dreams, hopes and aspirations of my sons and their wives, which must be nurtured so fullness can be achieved.  Is this not what any loving parent would desire for his child?  This position, however, will always require sacrifice on my part and the part of all parents who take this approach to life’s transitions.  

Sacrifice can come in many ways.  My parents for instance were “providers.”  They provided for our daily needs and beyond, sacrificing some of the finer pleasures they could have had for themselves for the benefit of their children.  I believe one of the more difficult forms of sacrifice comes in learning how to let go.  My children were given to me by God for a time, to train and educate, love and nurture in such a manner that they would hopefully turn their lives over to Him.  My children are not mine to keep, they will always be my sons, but they must be let go.  They too must learn to make the transitions from dependence to independence in the hope that we will eventually be interdependent.  This can be a very difficult process, especially if there is a strong value of family in the relationships.

Aside from the love and respect of my sons, there is nothing I desire more in my relationship with them than to remain relevant in their lives, to know that I am still needed.  I would suspect this is true for many other parents as well.  It has been my observation in life that when an individual no longer has a sense of being needed by others a very slow death process begins.  Take the time to step into a nursing home once and you will see what I mean.

Relevancy in the life of an adult child, however, cannot be forced, it must be reciprocal.  Each person in the relationship must make an effort to reach out and reach back.  If this reaching out and back is not taking place is it often because one party is taking the presence of the other party in this world for granted.  Listening to the comments of those attending funerals will instantly tell you who took the departed for granted.

So how does one make this transition and balance letting go and relevance?  My suggestion: look back to remember the good times not to lord the past over an individual and look forward to new adventures and possibilities not to mourn time and distance.  This means you remember the trip to the circus and the fun you had and not look back to tell someone, “You have always been…” (Fill in the accusation).  It means planning out time in the future with one another and exploring life’s transitions together instead of talking about things you wish you could do.

Remember, God let us go into this world in the hope that we would return (reciprocate) his love and allow Him to be relevant in our life, with the promise of a bright future in eternity with Him.  Wow, talk about transitions!