Teens and Seniors: Who are more misunderstood?

I recently asked a group of teens that I work with, “Who are more misunderstood, teenagers or senior citizens?”  The teens gave the question some thought (about 10 seconds) and some discussion (about another 30 seconds) and concluded teenagers are more misunderstood.

I can’t say that I was surprised by the answer.  It is hard to find one teenager that doesn’t believe he/she is misunderstood, let alone a group of teenagers.  Looking back to my days as a teen, I believe that I was misunderstood, too.  The problem here is that these teens (and I) are right, they are misunderstood, but that wasn’t the question!  The question was who is more misunderstood.

When confronted with the question again, none of the teens could answer, so I began to provide some framework to help them think the question through instead of giving a knee jerk response based upon their feelings and experiences of being misunderstanding.  Here is what I asked them to consider:

1.         The average age of the group I am working with is 15 years old.  We determined a good senior citizen age to consider would be 70 years old, as that was a common age for many of their grandparents.  The average 70 year old was born in 1942, which would place them at age 15 in the year 1957.  This means their grandparents were born in the midst of World War II (WWII) and they were teenagers when “Elvis was King.”

2.         The average 70 year old lived through and would clearly remember, the Vietnam War, race riots of the 60’s, first landing on the moon, the assassination of President Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr., and life without VCR’s, DVR’s, computers, cell phones, iPods, CD’s, and so much more.

3.         The average 70 year old would have seen grandparents and parents pass away, children grow up and move away and little grandchildren get in the way.

4.         The average 70 year old would have seen the music they fell in love to, the movies that made them laugh and cry and the fashions and styles of their day be pushed aside by the music, movies, fashion and styles of the generation behind them (just like they did to the generation before them).  

5.         The average 70 year old would have experienced the diminishing or replacing of their traditions and way of life by a generation (their children) that loved to say “never trust anyone over the age of 30.”

6.         The average 70 year old now lives in the fear of losing his/her health and thus his/her independence to drive a car, live on his/her own, or participate in simple joys such as going out to eat, or for a walk in the park.

7.         The average 70 year old regularly confronts some of life’s hardest questions, how will I live when my wife/husband dies, how much longer do I have to live, does anyone see me as having worth and value anymore, how can I contribute in a world that seems intent upon pushing me aside to bring in the new and setting aside the old?  (All questions their parents and grandparents had to ask also.)

As I went from one point to the next I could see changes take place in the expressions of each face.  They were now having thoughts they never considered before.  You see, while all of us can talk about being misunderstood during our teen years, unless you have been a senior citizen, do you really understand?  

Do you know what it is like to see your life slipping away?  Not just your physical life, but all that has made life what it is for you.  Traditions, music, styles, language, homes, etc., all go by the wayside as the younger generation seeks to assert itself.  This is as it should be for we cannot live in the past, nor should we want to cling so tightly to the past that no advancements in the human condition are ever made.  I like my indoor plumbing as much as the next person.  But when I consider the question of who is more misunderstood, I will have to cast my vote for the senior citizen.

The senior citizen has experienced all of the love and drama that life has to offer and survived it all and hopefully came out the wiser.  The teen is just beginning this adventure.  The exuberance of youth often does not want to listen to the wisdom of the senior, which frequently leads to the feelings of being misunderstood.

To the teenager I say, never forget that the senior citizen has already lived through what you are going through; you cannot say the same about the teenager’s life circumstances.  They may have done it with fewer pieces of technology but the feelings, emotions, triumphs and tragedies play out in every generation.  The next time you want to refer to someone older than you as an “old fogy”, don’t forget that you are also becoming (you are getting older) the very person you are discriminating against.

Teens, let the seniors amongst you tell their stories and share their past.  Let the senior citizen be young again, if only for a few moments of reminiscing.  Let him/her listen to some music from “back in the day” and watch their face glow with the memories of young love,  a full life ahead, and the promise of youth, for inside the senior is a young spirit trapped by an aging body.  Stop and visit every once in a while and let him/her know he/she is not forgotten and still has importance in someone else’s life. Along the way you just might learn something, too.  Leviticus 19:32, “Rise in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God.”

To the senior citizen I say, keep living life, dance, sing, and share.  They made fun of you when you were a teen for doing so, what’s changed?  Proverbs 13:14, “The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death.”

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In addition to posting comments on this blog Jay Allen can be reached at:

1bridge@earthlink.net

Self Worth and Correction

The interactions which parents have with their children are one of two primary forces that shape and mold our children.  These interactions comprise a major portion of the nurturing aspect of the molding process.  The other primary force is nature, which in this case is the sin nature that all human beings are born with.  In other words, we have a predisposition to sin and to gravitate toward sin until we are regenerated in Christ through the work of the Holy Spirit, thus allowing the sanctification process (becoming Christlike) to begin.  The purpose of this blog entry is to speak to one particular component of the nurturing process, the imparting of value or self-worth to those entrusted to us.

I have seen and had contact with many children in today’s America who have been and continue to be inflated with an overestimation of self-worth.  Inflated egos, an “I can do no wrong” or “My child can do no wrong” attitude fostered by well intention and loving parents who have bought into the “self-esteem” movement agenda.

As an individual who works on the management side of the work equation, I see these young people entering the work force and the first time they meet adversity, the first time they are told “no,”  the first time they are informed they “are wrong”, they crumble.  “How can this be?” they exclaim!  “Don’t you know, I’m the best looking and brightest.  Don’t you know my self-esteem will suffer if you tell me I am wrong?”  The reality check of the adult world is about to set in.  These individuals are about to learn the lesson that self-esteem is an outcome not a cause of good performance and success in the working world.  

In fact, let’s take head on the concept of self-esteem itself.  I do not believe that the idea of esteeming oneself (self-esteem) is a Biblical concept, at least not in the supposedly positive context that most individuals mean it to be in today’s society.  Where you can find esteeming oneself in the Bible, is when God is pointing out the sinfulness of human pride.

Human pride is such a dominant force that it leads directly to the failure of humans to esteem him who fully deserves our esteem, namely God.  We read in Isaiah 53:3, “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.  Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.”  Here, in the person of Jesus Christ, we have the perfect, sinless human.  One who healed, cared, and loved even unto death on a cross and what is the response of humanity?  Vitriolic hatred toward God.  This is what self-esteem leads to.  No, the esteeming of oneself before and/or instead of God is wrong, it is sinful.

But then what is the proper view of human worth or value, after all Christ did die on the cross for us, ergo we must have worth in his sight.  That is correct, but the reason we have worth is because of the value that God imparted to us at the time of creation, not because of any intrinsic worth or value that mankind has apart from God.  Genesis 1:27, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”  The answer to the value and worth of mankind is found in being created in God’s image.  In other words we are to have a healthy self-image of ourselves, in full knowledge that God has imprinted upon us his image, thus giving us worth.

When we as individuals have a proper self-image that is, seeing ourselves as having value because we are created in the image of God, then how we see ourselves and others should take on the attributes God displays toward us: love, care, concern, and correction.

Wait a minute, “correction”?  Yes, correction.  I told my sons on a regular basis that parents who refuse or fail to correct are only setting their children up for future and greater failure.  Failing to correct wrong behavior or attitudes is simply a perpetuation of that behavior/attitude.  I give correction because I love and want what is right and best in the lives of those I influence.  When I fail to correct I am in essence saying to the other person, “I don’t care about you, so keep on doing what is wrong until it destroys you and those around you.”  Where is Christ’s love in that?   But how one corrects is just as important as giving the correction itself.

While much can be and has been written about how to correct others and children in particular, there is one method that I wish to address here and now, that is correction by use of a harsh or critical spirit.

Because I work in the world of healthcare, I have seen many children who have suffered from the physical abuse that adults can bring upon children.  Battered, bruised, broken and sometimes even dead, the children are brought into the Emergency Room as a result of the physical abuse that sinful hearts unleash upon another person.  There is, however, another kind of abuse that leaves children battered, bruised, broken and sometimes dead on the inside, in their spirit, in their self-image.  This is the abuse of the critical spirit.

The individual with the critical spirit finds nothing of value or worth in others, the exact opposite of the individual seeking to create self-esteem.  Anything a child does is wrong or could be done better.  No encouragement only belittling and criticism.  Comments such as, “You are stupid, can’t you do anything right!” and every other insult that one can think of in regard to one’s appearance, intelligence, or worth batters, bruises, breaks and eventually kills the spirit.   Said loud enough and long enough is it any wonder that a child would believe “It must be true.”  All of this leads to bitterness in life that is eventually acted out in further abuse upon those surrounding the one who has suffered the initial abuse.  

The crushing, grinding, critical spirit destroys from the inside out.  It leaves no visible bruising or scars on the human body, but to anyone with discernment the damage is there and can be seen.  Scripture gives clear warning to those who possess a critical spirit.  Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”  Notice that training and instruction in the Lord is an opposite to exasperation in the life of a child.  In Colossians 3:21, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”  We are to be encouraging not discouraging our children.  Consider carefully if your words are building your child up in the Lord or tearing your child down.

Correction should have far more to do with guidance and assistance in navigating life than it does with punitive measures handed out at every turn.   If you have a critical spirit with your child, there will come a day when your child needs the love and help which only a parent could possibly give, but don’t look for your child to turn to you.  He/she has long since learned to seek out other resources rather than being crushed under the weight of your criticism, instead of being embraced by your love.  Parents are the first theologians children will have contact with, what will they learn about God from you?

May the day come, when we can agree with Jeremiah 31:29, “In those days people will no longer say, ‘The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge.’”

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In addition to leaving comments on this blog Jay Allen can be reached at 1bridge@earthlink.net

I want MY way!

Children use various tactics and techniques throughout their years to obtain what they want, be that a material possession or just to get their way.  It starts right at birth.  They get hungry, cry and their need is met.  And so the stage is set for how, “I get what I want.”

It takes a lot of work to mold children so they understand the appropriate means and methods to “get what they want.”  When they were babies, crying was an acceptable means of communicating, but if they are never taught another way as they grow older, don’t be surprised if your children turn into the proverbial “cry baby.”  The child who attempts to get everything he wants by the brute force of a temper tantrum.

Of course there are many other tactics used by kids to get their way.  There is what I call the “puppy dog look.”  This is the child who puts on a long somber face, crouches diminutively at your feet or legs, looks longingly into your eyes and often lets out a moaning “please” that comes straight from her desire to manipulate.

The puppy dog look is often accompanied by the attempt to bribe, although I have seen the bribe used all on its own.  “I’ll be good.”  “I promise…”  “I will…”  Please take note of the fact that almost all bribes employed by kids usually relate to behaviors or actions the child should be doing anyway.  Don’t fall into the trap of giving into a bribe to obtain behavior that should be present in a child’s life because it is the right and appropriate way to act.  As a side note, how many adults do you know who employ this tactic with God?  “God if you do this for me I will…” followed by promises that can’t possibly be kept.  Maybe no one ever taught these individuals as children that bribery is an illegitimate way to get your needs met.

If the puppy dog look and the bribe don’t work, don’t be surprised if blackmail is the next selection in the child’s arsenal of manipulatory devices.  This one comes in the form of statements meant to question the veracity of a parent.  “You don’t love me!”  “You don’t care about me!”  “You like Sophie more than me!”  “You’re not fair!”  “You never let me do anything!”  “You hate me!”  I think you get the picture.  I always challenged these statements with one firm response.  And it was the same response every time.  “Prove it.”  I have seen a lot of parents completely wither under the blistering blackmail attack of a child.  They find themselves right where the child wants them, trying to demonstrate the opposite of what the child just blurted out. Listen, the child is making the accusation, make them also provide the proof and be ready to counter with all the evidence of your love and care and not with the failed response of, “Yes I do.”  That response will never carry the day.  Responses such as, “You mean, when I cook for you and buy you clothes I don’t love you or care for you?”  “You mean, when I take you out to eat and to a movie I don’t love you.”  “You mean, when I drive you to your soccer practice and team activities I don’t love you.”  What the child is really saying is, “When I don’t get my way, you don’t love me.”

Doesn’t that sound like the cry of humanity toward God?  As parents you must look forward and understand the destruction that can take place in your child’s life if you don’t hold fast to the reigns and let them out slowly so the child grows to understand what is beneficial in life and what is not.

Finally, there is the temper tantrum itself.  The yelling, screaming, lying on the floor kicking his/her feet temper tantrum that is meant to drive you into submission.  Parents, this is not the point at which you can reason with your child.  Remember, you cannot reason individuals out of a position they did not reason themselves into.  And don’t, at this point, turn into a child yourself and try to bribe or blackmail the child.  At this point I am all for parental override.  Take the child to a room out of public view, physically if necessary, and provide the appropriate reward for such behavior.  In our family, that would be a spanking.  I know in today’s society such means of discipline are frowned upon, but it didn’t take our young children long to figure out that the reward will equal the crime, thus making spanking an option for only a short phase in life.  And spanking was never used as a response to a child making a mistake.  There is a major difference between a spanking given to a child having a tantrum and a spanking given because a child spilled his milk.  The former is a valid response the latter is not!  Perhaps you have a child who never requires a spanking because other methods work.  Great!  Every child is different, and the means and methods of discipline should and must vary.

Remember, discipline has the same root word as the word disciple.  To discipline is to disciple a child.  In other words, to “train a child in the way he should go...” (Proverbs 22:6)  Just as God disciplines “those he loves.”  (Hebrews 12:5-6)

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In addition to posting comments on this blog, Jay Allen can be reached at the e-mail address of:

1bridge@earthlink.net