Children use various tactics and techniques throughout their years to obtain what they want, be that a material possession or just to get their way. It starts right at birth. They get hungry, cry and their need is met. And so the stage is set for how, “I get what I want.”
It takes a lot of work to mold children so they understand the appropriate means and methods to “get what they want.” When they were babies, crying was an acceptable means of communicating, but if they are never taught another way as they grow older, don’t be surprised if your children turn into the proverbial “cry baby.” The child who attempts to get everything he wants by the brute force of a temper tantrum.
Of course there are many other tactics used by kids to get their way. There is what I call the “puppy dog look.” This is the child who puts on a long somber face, crouches diminutively at your feet or legs, looks longingly into your eyes and often lets out a moaning “please” that comes straight from her desire to manipulate.
The puppy dog look is often accompanied by the attempt to bribe, although I have seen the bribe used all on its own. “I’ll be good.” “I promise…” “I will…” Please take note of the fact that almost all bribes employed by kids usually relate to behaviors or actions the child should be doing anyway. Don’t fall into the trap of giving into a bribe to obtain behavior that should be present in a child’s life because it is the right and appropriate way to act. As a side note, how many adults do you know who employ this tactic with God? “God if you do this for me I will…” followed by promises that can’t possibly be kept. Maybe no one ever taught these individuals as children that bribery is an illegitimate way to get your needs met.
If the puppy dog look and the bribe don’t work, don’t be surprised if blackmail is the next selection in the child’s arsenal of manipulatory devices. This one comes in the form of statements meant to question the veracity of a parent. “You don’t love me!” “You don’t care about me!” “You like Sophie more than me!” “You’re not fair!” “You never let me do anything!” “You hate me!” I think you get the picture. I always challenged these statements with one firm response. And it was the same response every time. “Prove it.” I have seen a lot of parents completely wither under the blistering blackmail attack of a child. They find themselves right where the child wants them, trying to demonstrate the opposite of what the child just blurted out. Listen, the child is making the accusation, make them also provide the proof and be ready to counter with all the evidence of your love and care and not with the failed response of, “Yes I do.” That response will never carry the day. Responses such as, “You mean, when I cook for you and buy you clothes I don’t love you or care for you?” “You mean, when I take you out to eat and to a movie I don’t love you.” “You mean, when I drive you to your soccer practice and team activities I don’t love you.” What the child is really saying is, “When I don’t get my way, you don’t love me.”
Doesn’t that sound like the cry of humanity toward God? As parents you must look forward and understand the destruction that can take place in your child’s life if you don’t hold fast to the reigns and let them out slowly so the child grows to understand what is beneficial in life and what is not.
Finally, there is the temper tantrum itself. The yelling, screaming, lying on the floor kicking his/her feet temper tantrum that is meant to drive you into submission. Parents, this is not the point at which you can reason with your child. Remember, you cannot reason individuals out of a position they did not reason themselves into. And don’t, at this point, turn into a child yourself and try to bribe or blackmail the child. At this point I am all for parental override. Take the child to a room out of public view, physically if necessary, and provide the appropriate reward for such behavior. In our family, that would be a spanking. I know in today’s society such means of discipline are frowned upon, but it didn’t take our young children long to figure out that the reward will equal the crime, thus making spanking an option for only a short phase in life. And spanking was never used as a response to a child making a mistake. There is a major difference between a spanking given to a child having a tantrum and a spanking given because a child spilled his milk. The former is a valid response the latter is not! Perhaps you have a child who never requires a spanking because other methods work. Great! Every child is different, and the means and methods of discipline should and must vary.
Remember, discipline has the same root word as the word disciple. To discipline is to disciple a child. In other words, to “train a child in the way he should go...” (Proverbs 22:6) Just as God disciplines “those he loves.” (Hebrews 12:5-6)
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