Self Worth and Correction

The interactions which parents have with their children are one of two primary forces that shape and mold our children.  These interactions comprise a major portion of the nurturing aspect of the molding process.  The other primary force is nature, which in this case is the sin nature that all human beings are born with.  In other words, we have a predisposition to sin and to gravitate toward sin until we are regenerated in Christ through the work of the Holy Spirit, thus allowing the sanctification process (becoming Christlike) to begin.  The purpose of this blog entry is to speak to one particular component of the nurturing process, the imparting of value or self-worth to those entrusted to us.

I have seen and had contact with many children in today’s America who have been and continue to be inflated with an overestimation of self-worth.  Inflated egos, an “I can do no wrong” or “My child can do no wrong” attitude fostered by well intention and loving parents who have bought into the “self-esteem” movement agenda.

As an individual who works on the management side of the work equation, I see these young people entering the work force and the first time they meet adversity, the first time they are told “no,”  the first time they are informed they “are wrong”, they crumble.  “How can this be?” they exclaim!  “Don’t you know, I’m the best looking and brightest.  Don’t you know my self-esteem will suffer if you tell me I am wrong?”  The reality check of the adult world is about to set in.  These individuals are about to learn the lesson that self-esteem is an outcome not a cause of good performance and success in the working world.  

In fact, let’s take head on the concept of self-esteem itself.  I do not believe that the idea of esteeming oneself (self-esteem) is a Biblical concept, at least not in the supposedly positive context that most individuals mean it to be in today’s society.  Where you can find esteeming oneself in the Bible, is when God is pointing out the sinfulness of human pride.

Human pride is such a dominant force that it leads directly to the failure of humans to esteem him who fully deserves our esteem, namely God.  We read in Isaiah 53:3, “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.  Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.”  Here, in the person of Jesus Christ, we have the perfect, sinless human.  One who healed, cared, and loved even unto death on a cross and what is the response of humanity?  Vitriolic hatred toward God.  This is what self-esteem leads to.  No, the esteeming of oneself before and/or instead of God is wrong, it is sinful.

But then what is the proper view of human worth or value, after all Christ did die on the cross for us, ergo we must have worth in his sight.  That is correct, but the reason we have worth is because of the value that God imparted to us at the time of creation, not because of any intrinsic worth or value that mankind has apart from God.  Genesis 1:27, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”  The answer to the value and worth of mankind is found in being created in God’s image.  In other words we are to have a healthy self-image of ourselves, in full knowledge that God has imprinted upon us his image, thus giving us worth.

When we as individuals have a proper self-image that is, seeing ourselves as having value because we are created in the image of God, then how we see ourselves and others should take on the attributes God displays toward us: love, care, concern, and correction.

Wait a minute, “correction”?  Yes, correction.  I told my sons on a regular basis that parents who refuse or fail to correct are only setting their children up for future and greater failure.  Failing to correct wrong behavior or attitudes is simply a perpetuation of that behavior/attitude.  I give correction because I love and want what is right and best in the lives of those I influence.  When I fail to correct I am in essence saying to the other person, “I don’t care about you, so keep on doing what is wrong until it destroys you and those around you.”  Where is Christ’s love in that?   But how one corrects is just as important as giving the correction itself.

While much can be and has been written about how to correct others and children in particular, there is one method that I wish to address here and now, that is correction by use of a harsh or critical spirit.

Because I work in the world of healthcare, I have seen many children who have suffered from the physical abuse that adults can bring upon children.  Battered, bruised, broken and sometimes even dead, the children are brought into the Emergency Room as a result of the physical abuse that sinful hearts unleash upon another person.  There is, however, another kind of abuse that leaves children battered, bruised, broken and sometimes dead on the inside, in their spirit, in their self-image.  This is the abuse of the critical spirit.

The individual with the critical spirit finds nothing of value or worth in others, the exact opposite of the individual seeking to create self-esteem.  Anything a child does is wrong or could be done better.  No encouragement only belittling and criticism.  Comments such as, “You are stupid, can’t you do anything right!” and every other insult that one can think of in regard to one’s appearance, intelligence, or worth batters, bruises, breaks and eventually kills the spirit.   Said loud enough and long enough is it any wonder that a child would believe “It must be true.”  All of this leads to bitterness in life that is eventually acted out in further abuse upon those surrounding the one who has suffered the initial abuse.  

The crushing, grinding, critical spirit destroys from the inside out.  It leaves no visible bruising or scars on the human body, but to anyone with discernment the damage is there and can be seen.  Scripture gives clear warning to those who possess a critical spirit.  Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”  Notice that training and instruction in the Lord is an opposite to exasperation in the life of a child.  In Colossians 3:21, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”  We are to be encouraging not discouraging our children.  Consider carefully if your words are building your child up in the Lord or tearing your child down.

Correction should have far more to do with guidance and assistance in navigating life than it does with punitive measures handed out at every turn.   If you have a critical spirit with your child, there will come a day when your child needs the love and help which only a parent could possibly give, but don’t look for your child to turn to you.  He/she has long since learned to seek out other resources rather than being crushed under the weight of your criticism, instead of being embraced by your love.  Parents are the first theologians children will have contact with, what will they learn about God from you?

May the day come, when we can agree with Jeremiah 31:29, “In those days people will no longer say, ‘The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge.’”

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In addition to leaving comments on this blog Jay Allen can be reached at 1bridge@earthlink.net