So when does a child stop being a child and start being an adult? When does a boy become a man, or a girl a woman? And what is the difference between a man and a gentleman, or a woman and a lady? So many transitions to work through and just like when our children were born, there is no instruction manual on the “how’s” and the “when’s” in such matters, and with every child being as unique and individual as a snow flake, the manner we choose to navigate such life events are just as unique and individual. So, where does one turn to know what to do? My suggestion, turn to those who have already gone through the process and learn from their experience.
First of all, you have your own experience in making transitions. Which of us can’t tell stories of the awkward times in our lives when we were going from child to teen, teen to adult and all of the “firsts” that we experienced. How many times did we wish someone would have been there to tell us which way to go, or what to expect. Well, now you are the adult. You know from your own experience some of the feelings and some of the outcomes. Find a way to let your child know such things. Make it easy for them to learn from your life. Most likely they will make the same mistakes you did, since kids tend to believe they know better, or it will be different for them, but at least you open the door for a whole new world of discussion, don’t you?
Second, you have the experience of your parents. They have a whole other view on such matters since they have been where you now find yourself, only they were there with you! If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of not having parents to turn to, seek out individuals who at least have the reputation of being good parents and you see the positive results in their children. Often they will be more than happy to share their “secrets.”
Third, there is a whole other tier of family, relatives, friends, etc. that can be turned to for some good story telling. Ask them to tell some of their life stories and the victories and defeats they experienced. Just listening to the stories with an eye toward understanding can bring about some significant learning.
Fourth, don’t forget your Bible. It is full of one example after another about life. Don’t underestimate what can be learned from Moses, Joseph, David, James and John, Peter, Judas, Mary, Joseph, to name a few, and of course Jesus himself.
One of life’s transitions which took place in our household was the change that occurs when one graduates from high school and now has to venture into the adult world. Sometimes that means heading off to college, sometimes it means getting a job and moving into an apartment, sometimes it means getting a job going to college and still living at home. There are many variations.
For us, one of our sons stayed home, got a job and went to a local University. The other son left home and went to a University in another part of the country. But in both instances we were very deliberate about making some obvious changes in our relationship with them as soon as they turned 18 years old and graduated from high school. We knew that they were about to enter an adult world, where with a few exceptions, relationships are far less parent/child.
In our home we made consideration for each another, a fundamental element of the relationships our children witnessed and to a degree experienced. There was little doubt that we (the parents) maintained “say so” over a number of areas of decision making until our children matured to the point that they could make sound decisions for themselves. Now, however, their world was about to change, literally overnight. The law was going to look at them differently, teachers were going to interact with them differently, and people their age with their new found liberty from the home front (parents) were going to interact with them differently. So, we decided to let them have the experience of working through the awkwardness of adult consideration in the home.
We had an individual “sit down” discussion at the appropriate time (18 years old, out of high school) and said, “You are no longer to ask for our permission (child/parent relationship), instead you are to speak with us out of consideration.” Both sons asked what does that “look like?” This is the example I gave them. Instead of asking, ‘May I use the car tonight?’ you would say ‘I’m hoping to use the care tonight, will that interfere with any plans that you have?’ One is a statement of permission, the other a statement of consideration.
It took us and our sons some time getting used to the new norm, but it worked out wonderfully. We wanted our sons to be men, so we started treating them like men. Our sons grew in their self-confidence and we grew in our respect and confidence in their decision making process.
Our goal at the outset of having children was threefold: take children who are born totally dependent upon us, guide them to a state of independence, in the hope that when they become adults we will be interdependent. Interdependence is a state of mutual respect and reliance upon one another with consideration for one another, as a basic and essential element of moving forward in love, toward one another.
In our family, so far so good.
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