Teaching Responssibility and Acountability

Frequently, I hear individuals complain about the lack of responsibility and accountability on the part of another individual.  In an odd sort of way, the person doing the complaining is demonstrating exactly what he/she is complaining about, i.e. lack of responsibility and accountability.  You see, rarely if ever, does complaining resolve an issue.

What is needed are responsibility and accountability on the part of the person observing the lack of responsibility and accountability.  This means teaching, instructing, coaching, counseling, disciplining, and even punishing, in other words hard word.  The problem is that most individuals find it easier to complain than to do the hard work of teaching responsibility and accountability, which are all part of discipling.

As a manager in the work setting this means setting aside the axiom of, “If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself.”  If this is the case, you will have to do your job and everyone else’s, too.  There is a better way. Take the time to teach those you oversee how to do the task, function or process.  If they get it wrong, don’t give up on the individual; provide remedial training, coaching, and counseling until they get it right.  Then hold the individual accountable for proper work performance.  Set a standard and hold the individual to it!

As a parent you have the arduous task of teaching responsibility and accountability to your child.  Such character traits need to be forged in your child, it will not pass from parent to child by osmoses.  It starts at the point when a child is capable of understanding your directions and performing or completing those directions.  This means at a very young age and in simple ways at first.  The directive, “Come here” is a very simple test.  If the child stops, looks at you and turns and runs the other direction it’s time to teach responsibility and accountability.  The instruction to, “put your toys away” is another simple check point example.  Both of these are simple examples, but both illustrate the need for follow-up and follow-through on the part of the parent if responsibility and accountability are to be learned at an early stage.

One of the keys to helping the child to understand is utilizing the immediacy of the moment.  Follow-up needs to be immediate and firm.  NOTE: Don’t wait until you are angry to perform follow-up and follow-through, ultimately you will say and do things that are unhealthy and you will later regret.  You will initially find that a lot of energy goes into this stage of teaching, but it will pay huge dividends down the road. 

Take the time to correct immediately and you will find that you won’t have to spend enormous amounts of time and energy working through the messes that an older irresponsible and unaccountable child can create.

As the child gets older the teaching methodology must change in order to teach different aspect of responsibility and accountability.  For instance, not everything that is required of you as an adult is required immediately.  Some projects and tasks take time and learning to manage time (teaching a child not to be a procrastinator) is very valuable.  This can be done by providing time limits to tasks or duties.  Clearly explain to the child what needs to be done, the time frame it needs to be completed in, the reason why it needs to be completed in that time frame and the consequences of failing to perform the prescribed duty.  Example:  “Sharon, the trash needs to be taken out in the next 10 minutes (before we leave for work and school) so it doesn’t leave a foul smell in the house while we are away at work and school.  If you don’t get it out before we leave there will be no TV tonight.” 

Sometimes the consequences don’t need to be spoken but can be conveyed through other means.  My oldest son, in his early teens, was starting to develop the habit of leaving his socks in various locations around the house.  He was informed socks belonged in one of three locations, in his sock drawer, in the laundry hamper, or on his feet.  Leaving dirty socks lay around for someone else to pick up is inconsiderate and unappealing.  Still he persisted in leaving the socks in locations other than the three specified.  So I demonstrated for him in very practical ways how obnoxious dirty socks can be when placed in unapproved locations.  I started by placing his socks inside his pillow case.  He found that to be humorous. I advanced to placing them in his school back-pack.  When he opened his back pack at school, he was not amused, but he did get the message.  From that point on socks were no longer left in the wrong place.  Be creative with the corrective action.

The point here is that you cannot allow your child to develop habits in small things, because they will be habits in larger things, too.  This is an area of child development that I recommend you “sweat the small things.”  Don’t allow clothes and dirty dishes to be left lying about for someone else to pick up.  It is inconsiderate on the part of the child to assume you will do the work for him/her.  Have the child do his/her share of household cleaning.  They share in making the mess; they should share in cleaning it up.  Teach the child to do the laundry or at least fold it and put it away.  Teach the child how to be self-sufficient.  Have him/her fix his/her own lunch or breakfast.  There is however, a warning at this point.  If in teaching self-sufficiency you don’t like what, or the way the child is doing something, don’t get bent out of shape.  How else is the child to learn?  Provide guidance and suggestions and avoid the temptation to say, “Here, let me do that” or become critical of the effort.

Another area of responsibility and accountability that is often not even thought of as teaching responsibility and accountability is table manners.  Teach the simple discipline of how to hold a fork, spoon and knife.  Teach the discipline of using a knife to help food onto a fork, instead of using a thumb or a finger.  Teach the discipline of using a napkin to wipe one’s mouth instead of the back of a hand or a shirt sleeve.  Believe it or not, I have seen adults doing all of these things and more.  These are simple things that make a significant impression when you are representing your company at a business luncheon.

Teaching responsibility and accountability starts by taking responsibility and accountability.  Start with the small things in life and work up from there.

Both you and your child have a very short time together to teach and learn the essentials of responsibility and accountability.  It is hard work but make it a priority anyway.  Set the standards high, your child can live up to them if you teach him/her and let him/her.

Proverbs 22:6 “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”

Attitude, Attitude, Attitude

I hear it on a regular basis attitude, attitude, attitude.  I saw it the other day on the bumper of a sheriff’s vehicle in the form of a sticker, “Attitude is everything.”  At work I hear managers describe workers as having good or bad attitudes.  When I am coaching, athletes are frequently described as having a “winning attitude” or a “coachable attitude” and even “the attitude of a loser.”  So what is an attitude and from a parental point of view, how does a parent go about helping a child develop a healthy attitude and understand the impact of attitude in all aspects of life?

Let’s start with what an attitude is.  An attitude is a choice of an approach.  How we choose to approach any and all aspects of life is the attitude that we take.  Recently, I was in a gift shop in Virginia Beach, Virginia.  On display were cleverly written plaques that one could purchase and place on a desk top.  The one thing every sign had in common was attitude.  Signs like: “No whining!” “The buck stops here.” “Winning isn’t everything it’s the only thing.” And my personal favorite, “I’d give up chocolate, but I’m no quitter!”  All of the signs were attempting to convey to the reader an attitude, or approach toward life, or at least a certain aspect of life.  In a world of complex communication styles and methods, having a glimpse into the attitude or approach that another individual will take, or is about to take, can be a significant step toward a healthy outcome or life style.

When a child has a strong will (which is in essence an attitude) and that will is directed in an unhealthy direction, it can make the life of a parent and the child miserable.  From early on, parents must be conscious of a child’s attitude.  A parent must work to direct, shape and mold that attitude.  I think if you spoke with individuals who knew me as a child, they would tell you that the term “strong willed” would have been an understatement.  I can still remember my dad being highly upset over something I had done and telling me, “I’ll break you of this, if it is the last thing I ever do!”  I can just as clearly remember thinking to myself as I was being marched to my bedroom, “You will never break me!”  Perhaps it was the way things were said in those days, but “breaking” a child (or adult for that matter) should never be one of our goals as parents.  God does not want his children broken, he wants them molded and oriented in a Godward direction.

So let’s start with something simple.  When you notice in a very young child an attempt to achieve his/her goal (get what he/she wants) through whining, crying, and temper tantrums, you need to help him/her change communication tactics.  When a child is a baby and crying is the only communication method available, crying is acceptable.  Once a child develops the gift of speech (yes parents it is a gift), crying and whining are no longer acceptable.  To help change the communication method of the child, he/she can be told, “My ears don’t understand whining” or “Mommy and daddy have ears that only understand regular talk.”  The idea here is to help the child select a different communication method.  If you as a parent give in to the whining, expect it to continue.  

Then there is the teenager who has an attitude which utilizes sass (back talk) toward mom and dad, or takes on a sarcastic, biting tone.  The first thing I would ask parents to do is a self-check.  Many teenagers develop this type of approach because it has been modeled in the household between the parents and toward the children.  If the self-check proves this to be accurate, it might be time for the “adults” to take a self-imposed “time out” and contemplate if their attitude is setting up others in the household to fail or succeed.  Next, the parent must be willing to confront the sass and sarcasm for what it is, disrespect.  Every time this attitude shows up stop the conversation and address the tone.  Statements such as “I am not talking to you in a disrespectful tone, why are you speaking to me that way?” or “Why the sass, I’m not talking to you that way?” can often be very effective.  In lighter, less complex moments, in other words to have some fun that conveys a lesson, talk to the teen using the same sass and sarcasm he/she utilizes and let him/her know, this is what you look and sound like.  (Please don’t do this when you are angry.)  I have seen lots of parents imitating a child when the child is not around as they complain about a child’s attitude.  Parents, complaining will not solve the problem.  Complaining is an attitude on your part.

Modeling attitude in the household is a major factor in helping a child, regardless of age, determine the approach he/she will take in life.  Think of an area of life in your household, look at the attitude you take in that area and then observe your child to see if your attitude has become the child’s attitude.  

Ultimately, we need to ask ourselves, “What attitude does God expect me to take in every area of life and how do I guide my child in that direction?”  The answer is, God expects us to do everything without complaining (Philippians 2:14); to be people who bring our requests to God in prayer, petition and thanksgiving (Philippians 4:6); to be people who have the attitude of a servant (Philippians 2:4-8); in the midst of trials and tribulations we are to be people of joy (James 1:2); and to be people who approach life with a gratitude attitude (Ephesians 5:20).   Ultimately, it is the attitude of Christ.  He is our role model.  He is the one who demonstrates the Father approved approach to life.