Attitude, Attitude, Attitude

I hear it on a regular basis attitude, attitude, attitude.  I saw it the other day on the bumper of a sheriff’s vehicle in the form of a sticker, “Attitude is everything.”  At work I hear managers describe workers as having good or bad attitudes.  When I am coaching, athletes are frequently described as having a “winning attitude” or a “coachable attitude” and even “the attitude of a loser.”  So what is an attitude and from a parental point of view, how does a parent go about helping a child develop a healthy attitude and understand the impact of attitude in all aspects of life?

Let’s start with what an attitude is.  An attitude is a choice of an approach.  How we choose to approach any and all aspects of life is the attitude that we take.  Recently, I was in a gift shop in Virginia Beach, Virginia.  On display were cleverly written plaques that one could purchase and place on a desk top.  The one thing every sign had in common was attitude.  Signs like: “No whining!” “The buck stops here.” “Winning isn’t everything it’s the only thing.” And my personal favorite, “I’d give up chocolate, but I’m no quitter!”  All of the signs were attempting to convey to the reader an attitude, or approach toward life, or at least a certain aspect of life.  In a world of complex communication styles and methods, having a glimpse into the attitude or approach that another individual will take, or is about to take, can be a significant step toward a healthy outcome or life style.

When a child has a strong will (which is in essence an attitude) and that will is directed in an unhealthy direction, it can make the life of a parent and the child miserable.  From early on, parents must be conscious of a child’s attitude.  A parent must work to direct, shape and mold that attitude.  I think if you spoke with individuals who knew me as a child, they would tell you that the term “strong willed” would have been an understatement.  I can still remember my dad being highly upset over something I had done and telling me, “I’ll break you of this, if it is the last thing I ever do!”  I can just as clearly remember thinking to myself as I was being marched to my bedroom, “You will never break me!”  Perhaps it was the way things were said in those days, but “breaking” a child (or adult for that matter) should never be one of our goals as parents.  God does not want his children broken, he wants them molded and oriented in a Godward direction.

So let’s start with something simple.  When you notice in a very young child an attempt to achieve his/her goal (get what he/she wants) through whining, crying, and temper tantrums, you need to help him/her change communication tactics.  When a child is a baby and crying is the only communication method available, crying is acceptable.  Once a child develops the gift of speech (yes parents it is a gift), crying and whining are no longer acceptable.  To help change the communication method of the child, he/she can be told, “My ears don’t understand whining” or “Mommy and daddy have ears that only understand regular talk.”  The idea here is to help the child select a different communication method.  If you as a parent give in to the whining, expect it to continue.  

Then there is the teenager who has an attitude which utilizes sass (back talk) toward mom and dad, or takes on a sarcastic, biting tone.  The first thing I would ask parents to do is a self-check.  Many teenagers develop this type of approach because it has been modeled in the household between the parents and toward the children.  If the self-check proves this to be accurate, it might be time for the “adults” to take a self-imposed “time out” and contemplate if their attitude is setting up others in the household to fail or succeed.  Next, the parent must be willing to confront the sass and sarcasm for what it is, disrespect.  Every time this attitude shows up stop the conversation and address the tone.  Statements such as “I am not talking to you in a disrespectful tone, why are you speaking to me that way?” or “Why the sass, I’m not talking to you that way?” can often be very effective.  In lighter, less complex moments, in other words to have some fun that conveys a lesson, talk to the teen using the same sass and sarcasm he/she utilizes and let him/her know, this is what you look and sound like.  (Please don’t do this when you are angry.)  I have seen lots of parents imitating a child when the child is not around as they complain about a child’s attitude.  Parents, complaining will not solve the problem.  Complaining is an attitude on your part.

Modeling attitude in the household is a major factor in helping a child, regardless of age, determine the approach he/she will take in life.  Think of an area of life in your household, look at the attitude you take in that area and then observe your child to see if your attitude has become the child’s attitude.  

Ultimately, we need to ask ourselves, “What attitude does God expect me to take in every area of life and how do I guide my child in that direction?”  The answer is, God expects us to do everything without complaining (Philippians 2:14); to be people who bring our requests to God in prayer, petition and thanksgiving (Philippians 4:6); to be people who have the attitude of a servant (Philippians 2:4-8); in the midst of trials and tribulations we are to be people of joy (James 1:2); and to be people who approach life with a gratitude attitude (Ephesians 5:20).   Ultimately, it is the attitude of Christ.  He is our role model.  He is the one who demonstrates the Father approved approach to life.