Transitioning from Childhood to Adulthood

So when does a child stop being a child and start being an adult?  When does a boy become a man, or a girl a woman?  And what is the difference between a man and a gentleman, or a woman and a lady?  So many transitions to work through and just like when our children were born, there is no instruction manual on the “how’s” and the “when’s” in such matters, and with every child being as unique and individual as a snow flake, the manner we choose to navigate such life events are just as unique and individual.  So, where does one turn to know what to do?  My suggestion, turn to those who have already gone through the process and learn from their experience.

First of all, you have your own experience in making transitions.  Which of us can’t tell stories of the awkward times in our lives when we were going from child to teen, teen to adult and all of the “firsts” that we experienced.  How many times did we wish someone would have been there to tell us which way to go, or what to expect.  Well, now you are the adult.  You know from your own experience some of the feelings and some of the outcomes.  Find a way to let your child know such things.  Make it easy for them to learn from your life.  Most likely they will make the same mistakes you did, since kids tend to believe they know better, or it will be different for them, but at least you open the door for a whole new world of discussion, don’t you?

Second, you have the experience of your parents.  They have a whole other view on such matters since they have been where you now find yourself, only they were there with you!  If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of not having parents to turn to, seek out individuals who at least have the reputation of being good parents and you see the positive results in their children.  Often they will be more than happy to share their “secrets.”  

Third, there is a whole other tier of family, relatives, friends, etc. that can be turned to for some good story telling.  Ask them to tell some of their life stories and the victories and defeats they experienced.  Just listening to the stories with an eye toward understanding can bring about some significant learning.

Fourth, don’t forget your Bible.  It is full of one example after another about life.  Don’t underestimate what can be learned from Moses, Joseph, David, James and John, Peter, Judas, Mary, Joseph, to name a few, and of course Jesus himself.

One of life’s transitions which took place in our household was the change that occurs when one graduates from high school and now has to venture into the adult world.  Sometimes that means heading off to college, sometimes it means getting a job and moving into an apartment, sometimes it means getting a job going to college and still living at home.  There are many variations.

For us, one of our sons stayed home, got a job and went to a local University.  The other son left home and went to a University in another part of the country.  But in both instances we were very deliberate about making some obvious changes in our relationship with them as soon as they turned 18 years old and graduated from high school.  We knew that they were about to enter an adult world, where with a few exceptions, relationships are far less parent/child.

In our home we made consideration for each another, a fundamental element of the relationships our children witnessed and to a degree experienced.  There was little doubt that we (the parents) maintained “say so” over a number of areas of decision making until our children matured to the point that they could make sound decisions for themselves.  Now, however, their world was about to change, literally overnight.  The law was going to look at them differently, teachers were going to interact with them differently, and people their age with their new found liberty from the home front (parents) were going to interact with them differently.  So, we decided to let them have the experience of working through the awkwardness of adult consideration in the home.

We had an individual “sit down” discussion at the appropriate time (18 years old, out of high school) and said, “You are no longer to ask for our permission (child/parent relationship), instead you are to speak with us out of consideration.”  Both sons asked what does that “look like?”  This is the example I gave them.  Instead of asking, ‘May I use the car tonight?’ you would say ‘I’m hoping to use the care tonight, will that interfere with any plans that you have?’  One is a statement of permission, the other a statement of consideration.  

It took us and our sons some time getting used to the new norm, but it worked out wonderfully.  We wanted our sons to be men, so we started treating them like men.  Our sons grew in their self-confidence and we grew in our respect and confidence in their decision making process. 

Our goal at the outset of having children was threefold: take children who are born totally dependent upon us, guide them to a state of independence, in the hope that when they become adults we will be interdependent.  Interdependence is a state of mutual respect and reliance upon one another with consideration for one another, as a basic and essential element of moving forward in love, toward one another.

In our family, so far so good. 

Modeling Good Relationships

In any family good relationships are an essential ingredient to creating an environment that has God and his love as its core, so here are a few thoughts about relationships and relationship building and modeling.

*Model good relationships in the context of a good marriage.

§  Children will look first and foremost at the relationship a husband and wife have to determine first unconsciously and then consciously how to handle their own relationships.  Study after study shows that children that have dysfunctional parents as a role model frequently grow up dysfunctional too.  Jeremiah wrote it this way, “The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge.” (Jer. 31:29)

§  What children should see in a good marriage is mom and dad protecting each other from outside harm, which includes well intentioned grandparents/in-laws.  They should also be protecting each other from harm from the children.  As children get older they can become very hurtful told one parent or another.  This must not be allowed to continue or take hold.

§  Children should see parents showing appropriate affection for each other.  Much of a child’s first thoughts about intimacy will be formulated by what his/her parents are seen doing or not doing.

§  Always lift each other up in front of the children and others.  In other words, don’t “bad mouth” your spouse in front of anyone.

§  Be in one accord.  Don’t argue or fight in front of the children or others.  If you have a disagreement wait until it can be resolved in private.  It will definitely save you the problem of children taking sides.  This is not to say that appropriate decision making shouldn’t take place in front of the kids.  There is a time and place for children to see you work through differences without fighting and arguing so they are provided with an example of how to solve differences.

§  Be careful about employing “harmless teasing,” but have a sense of humor.  Humor should not come at the expense of another person’s dignity and worth.  There is enough to laugh about in life without having to demean another person, especially your own child or spouse.  One should be especially careful in this regard when it comes to modern day entertainment choices which frequently revolve solely around disrespect for and diminishing of another human being. 

§  Share your faith openly.  Don’t be afraid to talk openly about your faith and love for the Lord Jesus Christ.  Children need to know that the foundation of a Christian marriage is Christ.  When they hear you expressing your faith and love for Christ it will help them know how to express it in their lives and how to employ in their marriage.

§  Have a gratitude attitude.  Don’t spend your time at home “gripping and complaining.”  Have gratitude for the work you have been blessed with, the home you live in and the food you eat.  Gratitude is something that is sorely lacking in our society today.  Show your children a different and better way.

*  Model good relationships in the context of family.

§  Make sure you model teamwork in your household.  Remember, there isn’t any household chore that is strictly one person’s responsibility.  Have your children help around the house or out in the yard.  Lessons about stewardship, care and consideration can all be taught through team work.  For instance, preparing a meal isn’t only the responsibility of the adults.  Everyone can and should help at some level; even if it is only setting a table or washing dishes.

§  Eat together, play together, work together and worship together.  These functions will bind a family together in many ways.  These functions will also set priorities in life.  We should always be chasing after the next extracurricular activity.

§  Try to be both a teacher and student.  There is much in life that you have to offer children.  Share your gifts and talents in an encouraging and uplifting fashion.  But don’t forget, children can teach you a lot too. 

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In addition to posting comments on this blog, Jay Allen can be reached at the e-mail address of:

1bridge@earthlink.net

What's in a word?

Frequently, when discussing topics that require a bit more than minimal thought, or when the subject matter uses loaded language (language that needs to have a clear definition), it is wise to make sure that your words and terminology are clearly defined.  How important is this?  Dr. Walter Martin in his book, The Kingdom of the Cults, dedicates an entire chapter at the beginning of his book to the topic of “Scaling the Language Barrier.”  While it is not the purpose of this post to address cultic language, the importance of knowing the semantics of a particular discussion is vital to “carrying the day.”  Nowhere was this truer than in my discussions with my sons as they were growing up.

Kids have a language all their own, just as my parents did and I did.  If you are going to establish clear lines of understanding with your kids (even your adult kids) it is important to use the same language.  Failure to do so will lead to a lot of misunderstandings which eventually create hurt, distance, and broken relationships.

I like to tell the story from the first five years of my marriage (my wife and I have now been married 31 years).  On a regular basis during the first 5 years my wife would say, “You never put your clothes away.”  I would reply, “I always put my clothes away.”  She would say, you leave your clothes lying on the bed.”  I would say, “No I don’t, I hang my clothes up.”  Then both of us would walk away, frustrated, but convinced of our point of view.  Then one day it happened.  “You never put your clothes away.”  My response, “What do you mean when you say, ‘You never put your clothes away?’”  What an interesting thought.  When you read this, what did you assume putting “your clothes away” meant?  I had always taken it to mean when I come home from work I don’t hang up my clothes.  To my surprise, my wife said, “When I am done with the wash and I put your clothes on the bed, you don’t put your clothes away.”  The light bulb went on; we were talking about two different things.  When I told her what I thought she meant we both laughed.  Five years of misunderstanding corrected with one simple clarifying question.  I now put my clothes away.

Here is another example to illustrate the point of understanding the language being used.  The story is told of a small boy, 7 years of age, who comes home from school walks into the kitchen and asks him mom, “What’s sex?”  The mom, caught totally off guard by the question, instantly goes into a small panic.  “Oh my goodness,” she thinks, “I’m not prepared for this, I thought I had a few more years before I had to deal with this.”  But the question had been asked, so taking a deep breath and asking her son to sit down, the mom tries to explain in 7 year old language “the birds and the bees.”  After several minutes of explanation the little boy pulls out a piece of paper, places it in front of his mom and says, “Wow, how do I fit all of that into this small box?”

A simple clarifying question from the mom to the son would have helped.  What is that question?  “Why do you ask?”  It is a question that I learned to ask my sons before I ever answered the question at hand.

In addition to learning how to ask a clarifying question before I answered a question, I made sure to know the definitions of words or phrases I would use and still use.  Here are some examples:

1.         Love – Selfless commitment to another

2.         Culture – How one lives out that which one believes to be true.

3.         Worship – Honest reflection upon and response to who God is and what He has done.

4.         Character – Moral competence and ethical uprightness.

5.         Stealing – Trying to get as much as you can, while giving as little as you can.

6.         Being “spiritual” – “To know and do the truth.” (James Sire)

7.         Grace – 5 types: Common grace; Special grace; Prevenient grace; Efficacious grace; Sufficient grace.

8.         Justice – A perfect balance between guilt, innocence and accountability based upon truth

9.         Dogma – That which is an absolute (canonical) to the Christian faith.
            Doctrine – A formal position on a particular issue.
            Opinion – A point of view on a nonessential issue.

10.       Joy – The condition that results from the knowledge that God will and does keep his promise of salvation.

11.       Salvation’s 3 parts
A.        Justification (past) – I have been saved
B.        Sanctification (present) – I am being saved
C.        Glorification (future) – I will be saved

12.       3 levels of morality

            A.        Moral absolutes – That which God has command “Thou shall” or “Thou shall not” do.

            B.        Moral ambiguities – That which God gives general guidelines for and usually involves believer’s freedom and discretion.  (ex. drinking alcohol)

            C.        Morally benign – That which has no moral component to it. (ex. opening a door with your left hand instead of your right hand)

13.       2 types of Freedom

            A.        Freedom from (bondage)

            B.        Freedom to (do as we ought)

14.       Humility – Is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less

15.       Time = the existence of God

16.       Money – A resource provided by God to further his purposes here on earth

17.       Integrity – Consistency between words and actions

18.       Sin – The denial of truth (Kevin Van Hooser)

19.       Self Esteem – Is an outcome of appropriate works, not a cause of appropriate works.

20.       Peace – The tranquility of order

21.       Initiative – Doing the right thing at the right time without being told

Any questions? 

You Can't Go Back!

A strange thing happened on the way to becoming an adult, I found out that you can’t go back to the way things were in the past.

After high school, I immediately entered the military.  On my first leave back home, I stopped by the school and visited some of my favorite teachers.  They were kind and glad to see me, but the feeling wasn’t the same.  In fact, home wasn’t the same.  Mom and dad and several of the siblings were still there, but something had changed.   I did.

It took me awhile to figure it out, but ultimately the reality that I couldn’t go back was beginning to settle in.  Life had changed me, God had changed me, and experience had changed me.  I desired life to stay the same, but it wasn’t and couldn’t be.  You see, everyone else was changing too!  Soon the time I had with individuals from the past became times of reminiscing.  A shared past was all we had because somewhere along the road of life we forgot, or didn’t take time to stay current with each other.  We lost touch and lost each other. 

Life takes over, with its daily cares.  Everything that can get in the way and consume our time will get in the way and consume our time, home, children, jobs, travel, etc.  One of the lessons I learned after my dad passed away, now more than 14 years ago, is that death pulls individuals together for a short time and life pulls us apart.  It should be the other way around, life pulling us together and death separating us, but it isn’t.  It didn’t take long for each of the six brothers and sisters in my family to lose touch on a regular basis once “life” settled back in again.  Lesson: Staying in touch and having a meaningful relationship takes time and effort.  In other words work.  I didn’t take the time or make the effort and today I wouldn’t use the word intimate to classify my relationships with my brothers and sisters to the loss of us all.

Lesson two: When individuals say, “We should get together more often” don’t let them leave the room without setting up the time and date, or it just won’t happen. Again, life will get in the way and intentions, as well intended as they may be, will not carry the day. 

Lesson three: Emotions will not see you through.  I have seen many individuals under very emotional circumstances make promises they can’t possibly keep.  Promises at reunions, funerals, family gatherings, whether the emotions are from joy or grief, they won’t be enough to sustain the promise.  Emotions come and go and soon after the emotional peak, reason and rationale kick in.  It is at this point that only commitment will see those promises to fruition and commitment is something sorely lacking in our society today.

So what can we take away from this?  Relationships take work.  They typically don’t just happen.  Friends, brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, sons, daughters, aunts, uncles, cousins, anyone at any time could be gone.  Tomorrow is not guaranteed to us.  Don’t let the time slip away; people are far more important than that.

I would write more, but I think I should call one of my siblings now.